I guess it’s normal to have good days and bad days, but today I definitely feel like I’m in a rut. For the most part, I have good days. I am happy to be alive and enjoying the ability to do things again, but today I am not feeling as positive. There are plenty of things I should be doing and want to do, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything. I’ve been wanting to take a shower all morning, but can’t seem to get it done. I feel like I just wander aimlessly around my house, unsure what to do next.
I just really miss being pregnant and having that hope that my babies will make it. I did everything I could do for them, but for some reason it wasn’t meant to be. I miss them so much, and I wish could take care of them. Even though I know it’s not my fault, I feel guilty for bringing them into this world long before they were ready.
Don’t get me wrong... I really don’t think I am depressed. I find joy in life, and I am so glad to be able to do things again. I am grateful to be alive, and to have the opportunity to move on. Just sometimes I feel like my life doesn’t allow me to take a minute just to be sad and miss my babies. I don’t like feeling sad, so it’s easy for me to get busy and try not to think about things. Today it’s catching up with me I guess.
It really sucks to have gone though a delivery and not to have your babies as a result of it. I know I “look” pretty much back to normal, but I still feel gross. I have no tolerance for not looking completely back to normal, because I don't have the excuse that I just had a baby. I am going back to Pilates next week for some personal training, so hopefully after a few weeks of that, I will feel better.