Ihaven’t posted in a long time because Idon’t know how to put my feelings into words… Just when I am about to post about feeling sad, I don't feel that way anymore, and then I don't want to start feeling sad all over again if I post about it. Confusing, I know. I am still struggling with the loss of my babies at some point every day. I know that is too be expected, but it’s exhausting. Sometimes I break into tears while washing the dishes, or while driving my car, or while watching a movie. There is no rhyme or reason as to when I get sad, it just happens. I amalways 1 minute away from breaking into tears when I am with Josh. Like at dinner last night... Josh brought up something about the babies, and then I lost it. I had tears running down my face right when the waiter decided to come up to us and ask for our order. Awkward!
I feel really lost. I don't know what to do next. I always feel like I have so much to do, but I can't concentrate on any one thing long enough to get it all done. Work has been hard for me too. It's nice to be back to my normal routine, but I still get distracted very easily. I have to deal with clients asking me daily about my pregnancy, or my recent maternity leave. It acts as a constant reminder to what happened.
Today is Easter, but it doesn't feel like it. All my family is spread out this year, so we aren't together or doing anything festive today. Josh, Seven, Romie, and I are just hanging out. We went to breakfast this morning, and then stopped by the new house. We are less than 60 days away from closing! Having all the house plans to think about is a good distraction. The tile is installed, the kitchen cabinets and the counter tops are in! It is all coming together nicely. I am working on picking out all the paint colors right now, so that is always fun, but it's exhausting having to convince Josh of all my color ideas!