Sunday, April 12, 2009

I'm Still Here

I haven’t posted in a long time because I don’t know how to put my feelings into words  Just when I am about to post about feeling sad, I don't feel that way anymore, and then I don't want to start feeling sad all over again if I post about it.  Confusing, I know.  I am still struggling with the loss of my babies at some point every day.  I know that is too be expected, but its exhausting.  Sometimes I break into tears while washing the dishes, or while driving my car, or while watching a movie.  There is no rhyme or reason as to when I get sad, it just happens.  I am always 1 minute away from breaking into tears when I am with Josh.  Like at dinner last night... Josh brought up something about the babies, and then I lost it.  I had tears running down my face right when the waiter decided to come up to us and ask for our order.  Awkward!

I feel really lost.  I don't know what to do next.  I always feel like I have so much to do, but I can't concentrate on any one thing long enough to get it all done.  Work has been hard for me too.  It's nice to be back to my normal routine, but I still get distracted very easily.  I have to deal with clients asking me daily about my pregnancy, or my recent maternity leave.  It acts as a constant reminder to what happened.

Today is Easter, but it doesn't feel like it.  All my family is spread out this year, so we aren't together or doing anything festive today.  Josh, Seven, Romie, and I are just hanging out.  We went to breakfast this morning, and then stopped by the new house.  We are less than 60 days away from closing!  Having all the house plans to think about is a good distraction.  The tile is installed, the kitchen cabinets and the counter tops are in!  It is all coming together nicely.  I am working on picking out all the paint colors right now, so that is always fun, but it's exhausting having to convince Josh of all my color ideas!  

Romie wishes you all a very Happy Easter!


  1. Hon, My heart breaks for your soft heart:( I know its got to be so hard!

    I am excited to see pics of the house. I bet its beautiful!

    Happy Easter!!

  2. Losing four children is something very few people can comprehend, understand, and even imagine. Be gentle with yourself. You are so early on your grief journey, and the fact you are keeping your head above water is something that speaks to your amazing strength. Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan are very lucky to have you as their mommy. Today is the 9 month anniversary of my twin girls' birth (they were both stillborn), and I still miss them, and it is still very hard. Holidays and anniversaries are the hardest for me now. But I have more happy days now than I did, and things are getting brighter. Please be gentle with yourself and hold tight to those around you. Things will get better.


  3. I can't even begin to imagine the loss you have suffered. I don't even know what to say, other than for you to always be honest about your feelings here and we will listen.


  4. you are right where you are supposed to be...meaning, from my own experience and the fellowship i have with other baby loss mamas...we've all been there. heck, 13 months later and i still have those moments. they aren't as intense or raw but they are just as real.

    you do what you can when you can do it. be gentle with yourself. allow yourself to cry, to be mad, to be sad, name it.

    we're here to listen....((hugs))

  5. Big hugs to you Lauren. Keep doing whatever you need to do to get through the days. Last Easter I didn't even get out of bed. I just wallowed in my grief the entire day, but that's what I needed. Thankfully my husband made us a nice meal and took care of the Easter Bunny duties for our daughter.

    I think about you and your babies often. Hang in there.

  6. As I read your blog, it brought back so many memories of the feelings I have gone through during the last almost 16 months after losing our son 5 1/2 months into my pregnancy and a recent miscarriage. Although it may seem like you will never get to the point of not being on the "edge", you will. One day you will realize that something in you has shifted just a bit and things are a little easier. I pray that you will find peace as time goes on.

  7. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Praying for you...

  8. Lauren, I've just "found" you though "Whispered Support." I want you to know that I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. The grief must be unimaginable. Be kind and patient with yourself. And I am praying for you. I wish I could do more. xxx

  9. I'm so sorry your feeling lost hon. I hope you and Josh had a nice time together with the pups. Praying for brighter days.