As a kid I was usually made to attend church every Sunday, but this is the first time in my life that I've actually wanted to go, and I'm really getting something out of it. The past couple of weeks, I've been tagging along with The Pernecky's to church, and it has been really beneficial for me so far. The church's "sermons" are more like messages. They are totally relatable and keep my interest the entire time. Amazing, I know! The first Sunday that I attended, the pastor's message spoke directly to me. It applied to my situation SO closely it was scary. I had tears running down my face for most of the service. Ever since then, they've had my full and undivided attention! Anyway, the current series is about managing your life, and spending your time wisely. More importantly, it's about living in the moment and appreciating the time that God has given us. It made me realize that even though Josh and I will never fully understand WHY we lost our babies, God has granted us more time inthisperiod in our lives. Whatever the reason behind it may be, it is our reality.
I've been feeling for the past few weeks that I am "at peace" with the loss of our Green Beans, but I'm starting to realize that there are many layers to being at full peace and letting God have complete control. The messages at church have been helping me peel back those layers and be more excepting of what my life is today. It's an extremely hard thing to except and live with, but the message about appreciating the time God has given us has really stuck with me. I'm realizing that Josh and I were granted more time in this period of our lives without living children, and there must be a reason for that. Either way, I am grateful for the time I have at life and I want to live it to the best of my ability. There were 2 nights that I spent in the hospital that I literally thought I was going to die that night. That was the scariest, most hopeless feeling that I’ve ever experienced. Thereisa reason that I survived that time in the hospital, and thereisa reason that I am married to the most supportive and strong person for me.
What I am trying to say is - I am getting closer to having peace in my life, and it feels great to have that clarity and understanding. I'm not saying that I won't still have my sad days and moments, but it definitely feels good to see the progress that I've made over the past 7 months. I am proud of myself, and proud of Josh, and I amsograteful for thetimeI have. I promise to make the best of it.