Tuesday, November 3, 2009

1 step forward, 2 steps back



I know you're probably sick of hearing about this, and frankly I am sick of thinking about this. I just wanted to point out that one year ago today, I was given this amazing, life changing picture...





My Blogger friend, Erika, explained it perfectly... I subconsciously always know how long it's been since I reached one of these pregnancy milestones, but it's not like I am really counting the days. Do you know what I mean? This morning, I just woke up, and noticed that it was November 3rd (which is also my half birthday!) and quickly remembered this day one year ago. I remember it like it was just one month ago.

I'm tired of this always being on my mind. As much as I say that isn't, it still IS. I want it to go away, but I am afraid of forgetting about my babies. I am looking forward to New Years so much. It will be another big step towards having this behind me. I feel like I have been making leaps and bounds in my recovery lately, but every once in awhile I feel like I am pulled right back to where I used to be. *sigh*
Lauren Pictures, Images and PhotosLauren Pictures, Images and Photos

24 comments:

  1. Lauren,

    You and Josh have endured more this year than anyone should have to. I just told someone that lost a 10 month old at the beginning of the year that was still having problems with the why, "that there is no reason on earth she had to die but there was every reason for her life". Those little babies touched so many hearts and have an amazing spirit still.

    I still remember every Thanksgiving my twins and I lost them 6 years ago. There is also a song that every time it plays I think of them. So do not expect to forget them. Just try and embrace their memory.

    Hoping and praying for wonderful memories in 2011.

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  2. You'll never forget your little beans or be completely pain-free, but things will be better I promise.

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  3. We're not sick of hearing about it. We're reading because we support you. I think you're doing amazing after everything you've been through. Keep on going girl!

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  4. Lauren, your friends will NEVER be sick of hearing about your Green Beans! They are a part of you and Josh forever!

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  5. You should never feel bad about talking about your beans. :) You will always remember those dates. Even after the pain has lessened, the date will be on the calendar in your heart. It does feel like one step forward, two steps back. Eventually it will be one step forward, one step back and then just steps forward. It's ok to feel loss-your beans were a part of you and always will be.
    Hugs and prayers!

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  6. We could NEVER get sick of hearing about the sweet Green Beans and they will NEVER be forgotten! Even though they are not here for you and us to see everyday their presence is strong. You and their story touched MANY lives and for that they will always be worth honoring and remembering!!

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  7. Those are the cutest green beans I have ever seen! I love hearing about them!!!! XOXOXO

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  8. {{{{Lo}}}} I remember when you called us with the news! My kids still talk about the beans and they are only the cousins so I can only imagine being the momma and remembering. Talk away (its your blog after all) and feel free to call and talk about them too. Love you much

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  9. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Many hugs!!!

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  10. p.s. of COURSE you can mention me on your blog! anytime! :-)

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  11. Lauren, thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog post. That is a beautiful, incredible picture. A life-changing picture. Today is my mom's birthday, so November 3rd has always had great meaning to me. I remember the first ultrasound I had with Vivian and Annemarie- when I found out they were identical twins- and how thrilling and exciting that was. In an instant, I am right back there...just as I know this picture of your foursome takes you right back to that place...that place of innocence, hope, and no idea what the future held. Sending you lots and lots of hugs today and every day. (((hugs)))

    -Erika

    littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com

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  12. I'm not sick of hearing anything. Those dates are always in the back of your mind. I don't know if they'll ever go away or not. I don't know if there is ever a time when you don't always think about them b/c I'm still there. (((hugs)))

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  13. I'm not at all tired of hearing your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for sharing them. It's completely normal to remember these days and your babies. However, I do understand how we want the pain to go away...I'm not sure it ever will. It just lessens over time. I'm approaching Grady's one year birthday/heaven day/anniversary, whatever you want to call it. Just seeing the leaves are making me sad and my heart heavy. I go through the motions of the day, but there isn't a day (sometimes even a moment) that I don't think about him. Thinking of you and your "Green Beans" today.

    Love,
    Tonya

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  14. You will never forget! It will get easier, you will have "those" days, but you will get thru those alittle easier each time. I cannot begin to truly know the depth of what you are goign thru. I miscarried once before the quads, and miscarried #5 while pregnant with the quads. I still have days where I think of them & what life would have been like with them. It is ok. I never held or anything else because it was so early in the pregnancy for both of those miscarriages, but they are still with me.
    Sending you a huge HUG!
    Misty

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  15. lauren...i think grief is a forever journey of 1 step forward, 2 steps back. our children are missing and nothing will ever replace them...

    what a beautiful sight that u/s picture is. wishing so badly they were here with you and josh. my heart is hurting with you today...

    and please know we are always here to listen. always.

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  16. Just hugs, Im with you. xoxo Nan

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  17. No one is tired of hearing about those angels! I'm sure days like this are hard. I think processing them by writing about them is probably the greatest therapy. Oh, and happy half birthday!

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  18. NOT EVER sick of sharing your journey with you. You have been through much and I don't know how you cope as well as you do. You're a special lady. While I don't know what you're feeling, I do KNOW that you will never forget your Beans - NOT EVER. So, don't worry about that hon.

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  19. This is a truly INCREDIBLE photo. Thank you for sharing it. And why on earth would any one get sick of hearing about your precious babies? Lots of love xxxx

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  20. Certain things will always be little reminders but as time goes by you will think of them differently and you may even smile. Your true friends will never mind when you talk about your little ones because that is just how friends are. It will continue to be less painful as time goes by and you will cherish the little things that remind you of your sweet babies.

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  21. Just echoing what everyone else has said; keep writing, keep talking, and know that it will get easier even though it will never go away. I cannot imagine the pain - I miscarried once, but super early, and still it sometimes hits me. Not as much now as early on, but it's there. Praying for you as you miss your precious Green Beans.

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  22. you never have to be sorry for remembering your sweet babies. YOU saw them, you held them, they will forever be apart of you.
    I have miscarried twice this year
    and reguardless of it being still so early, I still miss mine. I wonder what they would have been, what they would have looked like.KNowing that my child who is 4 keeps asking for a brother or sister makes me sad. I still have sad days...so, it doesn't go away...be sad if you want to. Somewhere I just have to have faith that God has a plan....and that's all i can go by.

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  23. Of course no one is "sick of hearing about" your babies! And anyway, this is your blog & you can write whatever the heck you want! Those babies were a part of you & Josh & that will never change. There will always be dates & events that bring you pangs of sadness and it's okay. There is no time frame on grief. And even if you don't feel up to blogging about it, you know you can always talk to me whenever and I'll never be sick of hearing about it!!

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  24. Don't let other people's expectations give you a sense of how long it should take - don't put time limits on yourself - don't have any expectations about how you should or shouldn't feel at this point. Grief is a personal journey. Time means nothing. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Let it lead you where it leads you. You can't make it go faster, you can't make it go slower.

    And that's OK. It's YOUR grief and YOUR heartache. You'll make it through :)

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