It wasn’t until today that I realized that I am partially turning my back on God with this pregnancy. One part of me is so, so thankful for this miracle baby and am trusting in God that this will be the baby that we bring home from the hospital. The other part of me is not fully trusting in God about this. I am trying, but it is a major work in progress. Sometimes I am stronger than others; other times I feel myself feeling really weak and defeated.
I’m letting myself get this way, and I am ashamed to admit this. Part of me is trying to protect myself by already grieving the loss of my Greenie. Its so sad, but true. This is probably why I felt so depressed after my Peri appointment even though we were given a good report. I know the risks and complications that I am prone to and so I feel that I am preparing myself – even though it’s impossible – for the worst case scenario.
I didn’t realize how complicated pregnancy after loss is. All I focused on was getting pregnant. Now that I am, I have a whole new set of issues and emotions to deal with. God knows I am ready for this, that’s why he blessed us with this baby, so I am going to try to have a better attitude about it. The fact that I realize that I am tuning my back on Him is a start. I recognize this and can now begin to tackle it.
I’m trying to hold on to the GOOD news.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.