Heidi passed away 3 days before I actually delivered her, so today is her official Heaven Day and January 31st is her birthday. We associate the 31st more with Heidi’s day, as two years today, is not really a day I like to remember.
Two years ago today, and the day that I delivered my other 3, were the worst days of my life. It was so scary and the hardest thing that I’ve ever endured. Since it’s all still so hard for me to comprehend, I prefer to just focus on remembering and honoring her on her birthday.
I actually associate Heidi’s birthday with hope and new beginnings. Since we lost her 3 days prior to her delivery, we had some time to come to accept the fact that she was gone. When I delivered her, it was more of a positive thing. My body instantly felt relief and my preterm labor signs seemed to have disappeared. We believed that Lily, Paige, and Rylan now had a better chance at life. My body seemed to recover from the stress of losing her and I was able to bounce back and do what I needed to do to help my remaining 3 thrive. Heidi became our family’s personal angel to look over us.
I don’t even know if any of that makes sense. Like I said, my feelings on this are really complicated. Two years have passed and my thoughts are not any clearer than the day it happened.
As the years pass from the time we met each of our Green Beans, things do get a little easier. The pain of losing them lessens a little. The whole event starts to feel like an out of body experience. New hope and happiness has come into our lives and I feel that I have made strides in my healing and grief.
On the other hand, things can seem harder also. As each year passes, I feel more and more distant from Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan. It doesn’t even seem like it was me that it happened too. It doesn’t seem possible that I once held their lifeless bodies in my arms. My memory of meeting them fades and It’s all so surreal.
I still don’t know what we will do this year to honor Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan on their second birthdays. We may stick to making cupcakes for them again like we did last year, or we may come up with something different.
“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry"The Cure – Treasure
(Not that I will EVER forget, but I feel like Heidi would have wanted us to remember her and smile…)