Heidi passed away 3 days before I actually delivered her, so today is her official Heaven Day and January 31st is her birthday. We associate the 31st more with Heidi’s day, as two years today, is not really a day I like to remember.
Two years ago today, and the day that I delivered my other 3, were the worst days of my life. It was so scary and the hardest thing that I’ve ever endured. Since it’s all still so hard for me to comprehend, I prefer to just focus on remembering and honoring her on her birthday.
I actually associate Heidi’s birthday with hope and new beginnings. Since we lost her 3 days prior to her delivery, we had some time to come to accept the fact that she was gone. When I delivered her, it was more of a positive thing. My body instantly felt relief and my preterm labor signs seemed to have disappeared. We believed that Lily, Paige, and Rylan now had a better chance at life. My body seemed to recover from the stress of losing her and I was able to bounce back and do what I needed to do to help my remaining 3 thrive. Heidi became our family’s personal angel to look over us.
I don’t even know if any of that makes sense. Like I said, my feelings on this are really complicated. Two years have passed and my thoughts are not any clearer than the day it happened.
As the years pass from the time we met each of our Green Beans, things do get a little easier. The pain of losing them lessens a little. The whole event starts to feel like an out of body experience. New hope and happiness has come into our lives and I feel that I have made strides in my healing and grief.
On the other hand, things can seem harder also. As each year passes, I feel more and more distant from Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan. It doesn’t even seem like it was me that it happened too. It doesn’t seem possible that I once held their lifeless bodies in my arms. My memory of meeting them fades and It’s all so surreal.
I still don’t know what we will do this year to honor Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan on their second birthdays. We may stick to making cupcakes for them again like we did last year, or we may come up with something different.
“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry"The Cure – Treasure
(Not that I will EVER forget, but I feel like Heidi would have wanted us to remember her and smile…)
Oh Lauren! I was just thinking about sweet Heidi as I knew her heaven day was coming. 2 years seems like a long time yet not that long ago. I remember the calls.....
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your sweet angels.
awe big hugs to you Lauren, thinking of sweet Heidi and your gren beens today and always <3
ReplyDeleteLauren,
ReplyDeletetoday will be a hard day but like you said, focusing on the good and smiling will defiantly help. You could perhaps spend the evening with josh and reflect on what good is in your life and that though you've lost much you are gaining another. Light a candle in memory, play a song that reminds you of Heidi. That is what I did for Tanalee's would be first year of life. I can't imagine the battle your heart must be feeling. My heart goes out to you today. Know that many will be thinking of you and your baby girl.
~Felicia
Im still pondering on what to do for little Miss Heidi....I will most def come up with something within the next hr or so and I will post to let you know what we did {{me and my kiddos}}!! Hang in there today Lauren!! {{warm hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI so remember this day. I started following your blog about a week before. Oh I remember reading this and just praying and crying. I just wanted to come to Florida and give you a huge hug. But you would have thought I was crazy and thrown me out. You don't know me :) lol I think of your babies all the time. In fact about a week ago I took pictures of a 16 weeker and it made me think of that was how little your baby girl was. Your babies have a huge reason why I am apart of NILMDTS. I know your blog came into life to lift up my life. Thank you Josh and Heidi for letting fall in love with your babies. They made a huge impact on the world. YOu must be a proud Mommy and Daddy!
ReplyDeleteI just realized duh I wrote Heidi, Sorry Lauren.
ReplyDeleteRemembering and smiling. :) Hugs...
ReplyDeleteI know how heavy your heart must be but know that lots of people of lifting y'all up and thinking about your precious babies. May God make His presence know on this day and surround y'all with peace and comfort:)
ReplyDeleteLauren,
ReplyDeleteThere are no words great enough to offer...I will just say that you are in my thoughts, prayers and my heart is so heavy for you.
I will be lifting you up.
Honoring Heidi and the legacy that she leaves. Her life has purpose Lauren, as do Rylan, Lily and Paige. You honor them all beautifully, with eternal love that only a mother can give.
xxx
you are on my heart today and for the next few weeks....thankful to walk this journey with you....((hugs)) sweet friend.
ReplyDeletelauren, it makes perfect sense. ((((hugs))))) you put into words something i have been feeling so strongly. the other day i was telling my story to a few women who hadn't heard it, and it was literally like i was talking about someone else...not me. i will light a candle for heidi today, on the 31st, and on lily, paige, and rylan's special day. your four little ones are so special and loved...and i will remember them always (and try to smile, too- because like you said, i think that is what they would want!)
ReplyDeleteThinking about you and Josh and your sweet green beans these next few weeks!
ReplyDeleteThinking of your green beans and remembering their second birthdays (and heaven days) always makes me cry. Reading this took me right back to that place. We all lost those precious babies right along with you. My pain and heartache for you is so strong this time of the year. I am so proud of how far you have come and where God is taking you.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, found taylor a super cool gift today! I am ordering it this week!
LB
Lauren, you are such a wonderful Mom, to your Green Beans & to your Taylor, no one deserves their happiness more than you. Heidi, Paige, Lily & Rylan will forever be your angels in heaven. I think the cupcake idea is prefect, especially once Taylor comes along, making cupcakes for her her siblings would be a touching way to honor them.
ReplyDeleteHugs are with you. You are a strong Mommy and I know your little beans are looking down on you. You will be in my thoughts the next few weeks. Hugs
ReplyDeleteSorry friend :( **hugs**
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share something with you and seeing this post makes it seem all the more appropriate. I was at a gathering this weekend singing hymns and when I was putting my bracelets on I noticed my Green Bean one and this is the song that we were singing:
ReplyDelete"When peace like a river attendeth my way
when sorrows like sea billows roll
whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to know
it is well, it is well with my soul."
I was thinking of you again and remembering the Green Beans, but not only sadness: hope, for the day when you will hold them all again, whole and healthy.
Love and blessings,
E x
big hugs to you and your sweet babies
ReplyDeleteon a completely random note- yay I finally remembered my login so i started a blog too!