Thursday, April 26, 2012

More Trials, More Tribulations

I’ve been through A LOT in my 31 years – ahem, almost 32.  I have a lot of blessings (way more than I even give God credit for), and I’ve had a lot of losses.  The majority of the time I am counting my blessings and am a very positive person instead of wallowing in sadness and focusing on the negative.  Ask anyone that knows me; I have dealt with the things on my plate extremely well.  My theory is there is a reason why we go through trials and I’d rather just get to where God wants me to be rather than fight what he has planned for us. 

All the trials he puts us through are to shape us, mature us, and help us to grow in faith.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  - Romans 5: 3-4

and

Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  - James 1:2-4

Well, if this is the case then I should be JOYFUL and giving thanks, although right now, I am just a little beat down and still coming to terms with things…

See, I am grieving again.  This time it is a different type of loss.  I am grieving the loss of my marriage.  I am grieving the loss of the dreams I had for our family, the loss of the lifelong companion that I thought I’d have, the loss of the life that we’ve built together.  There’s no sugar coating this; J and I are divorced.

Yuck… I hate the “D” word.  It’s so sad and unfortunate.  Especially when there is NO good reason for it to even become our reality.

I’ve waited so long to start my family and God blessed us with our perfect little Taylor.  But now I will only get her part of the time.  That is pure torture for any Mom.  Why must I endure this too??

At this time right now, I don’t get what God is doing in my life.  I am trying to trust and trying just to let things be, but this is more difficult than words can say right now.  All the dreams and hopes that I had for my family are changing and will not be what I had planned and hoped for.

Just when I thought that things were going well… We finally have the baby that we’ve always dreamed of.  We live in our dream house (or at least pretty close to it), we are blessed with good careers, good health, great friends and family, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH… And then the bomb gets dropped on me.  NOTHING is as it seemed.  EVERYTHING is changing. 

I’ll get there and things will be “okay”, but this just really really REALLY sucks right now.  I know what I need to do.  I know what someone who trusts in God 100 percent would do, but I cannot just flip on that switch and be there over night.  It’s a long process.

There is still so, so much to be thankful for, but right this minute I am thinking about what I’ve lost.  I’ve lost so much.  I am still young and have my whole life ahead of me, but add this to losing my Green Beans just two and a half years ago is just too much to comprehend right now.

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On a side note: I thank (most) of you for your patience in coming out with this.  It’s been underway for many months now, as some of you have pointed out in your anonymous comments.  Although this is very personal, I had to make this a part of my blog.  I have chronicled my life in this blog ever since I was newly pregnant with my Green Beans.  I’ve blogged about the good times and the bad, and this is just another season of my life.  Blogging is therapeutic for me, and at the least, I hope my open and honest approach can help others that may be suffering in silence.  I know, it’s not fun.  signature

44 comments:

  1. Love you, Lauren! You are one tough cookie & I always look up to you & have the utmost respect for you! God is going to bring you wonderful things, just as he brought you Taylor. I can't imagine what it must be like to walk this road, but I'm right there beside you, whenever you need me. You know I love you lots! God has blessed me with you in my life. Keep staying strong.. you have a lot of people on your side cheering you on!! GREAT things are to come!

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  2. You know I love you and you are a strong and amazing woman! Day by day....be gentle with yourself. I'm here for you. Anytime! ((hugs))

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  3. We love you. Looking forward to seeing you and your sweet Taylor soon.

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  4. I expected this, but it still breaks my heart to read. I am SO sorry! I will keep you and Taylor in my prayers.

    Renia

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  5. i had wondered what was going on - but i don't know you personally, so had no way to know. i found you somewhere on the internet when someone was requesting prayer for you and your beans. just remember my fave verse and the one you had on your blog for a while - jeremiah 29:11. love and prayers to you and your family!

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  6. I am sure this is so tough for you right now. I love that quote and is so true. Thinking of you through these rough times.

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  7. I had assumed this is what was going on. My heart breaks for all of you. Best of luck during this trial. Divorce is never easy, especially when it isn't necessary.

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  8. Oh Lauren, my heart just breaks for you. I've been wondering about you, so I've been praying, and I'm so sorry that this is happening. You have been through so much, and I have admired you so much for your strength and faith through the hard times. I KNOW God has a plan for you, and He is going to bring you through this! I will continue to pray for you and your sweet girl!

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  9. Oh honey, I'm sorry! I wish there was something I could say to make it better. I'm here for you and I'm sending you hugs! I remember when you lost the green beans and all I could think was "this woman does not deserve such sadness". I'm thinking the same thing again now...

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  10. Oh no!

    I am just sooooo sad for you! This is incredible. Unfortunately it is incredibly SAD!

    You do not know me and I do not know you. Yet I have been reading your blog for quite some time and the tears just came upon reading this. I wish all the best for you. The true strength you have will be visible to Taylor from here on out.

    Hoping this season will pass quickly - may the change be for the better - though it is not yet revealed what better might look like!

    J

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  11. Lauren I'm so sorry you have to go thru this pain. I am shocked to read this. And it sounds like it was a shock to you too. I'm sorry that you and Josh could not work out whatever it was and you had to part your ways. I will keep praying for you and Taylor. You do have a beautiful girl and I pray you will find that beautiful happy ending with someone who will treat you and love you the way you deserve!

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  12. Thinking of you both. Marriage is hard, but divorce is harder. When children are involved, I think that is what hurts the most. Praying for peace for you. It can't be easy when it seems that you feel helpless about whatever happened. Take care Lauren. You're a tough cookie!

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  13. Lauren, I have been reading your blog for almost two years because we were pregnant at the same time. I haven't commented until now, but felt compelled. First, I just want to say what a beautiful inspiration you are. I know that you will find meaning in all of this, even if you can't see it now. It will all work out for the best and one day you will look back and understand why. My cousin recently shared a blog with me that she is reading. My cousin (like a sister to me) is going through a difficult divorce and finds inspiration from this blog. The woman in this blog is documenting her journey and everything that she is trying to learn from it. You may enjoy it and find it helpful. http://www.hisgiantmistake.com/ Stay strong and know there are people who you don't even know, praying for joy and peace in your life. Take care.

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  14. I'm so sorry to hear about this, I can't even imagine what you're going through. You don't know me, but I have been following your blog for some time now and never posted. You are strong and will get through this.

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  15. You're an amazing and strong woman who will perserve though this season of your life. This is another opportunity to teach Taylor how strong women are (even if you didn't want this as a teaching moment) and how life throws us curve balls. Each time I see my green beans bracelet I think of your special family and I remember how fortunate I am to be blessed with my babies. Know that so many of us 'strangers' are praying for you and holding you close to our hearts. Thank you for sharing your life, it's most personal moments and your sweet Taylor with us.

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  16. I've followed for blog for awhile but only now felt like I should comment. I, too, waited for years to start my family, and just months after my beautiful daughter was born my marriage fell apart. My dreams were crushed and I felt cheated. It took a long time, but I've not only come to terms with my new life, but I've grown to love and appreciate my situation. My mommy-daughter time is more precious than ever. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to sharing her with her dad, but it's easier. I know how you must be feeling, I've felt it, and I can assure you it gets better. I have a happy, loving, well-adjusted three year old to prove it:) I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  17. You're our girl! Lolo 4 eva!

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  18. I have been reading your blog for awhile. Your strength and faith is inspiring. I went thru a divorce after a battle with infertility. My only advice is to lean on your faith, your family and that sweet baby. You are in my prayers.

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  19. Your strength through all these trials has inspired me. I will keep you & your little Taylor (and the Green Beans) in my prayers as always. A friend of mine is in a similiar situation after the baby was about 3 months old. It just stinks! I am so sorry but pray that there will be wonderful, wonderful things ahead.

    <3 Erin

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  20. I have been following your blog for a few years as well....sometimes its hard to put the very personal side of things "out there" for all to read, but I want to thank you for your vulnerability...as hard as it is...your journey and honesty can serve to help and encourage others ....and I suspect it may be a bit freeing for you as well..... I am praying for you and little Taylor also, as you attempt to find a new normal. God bless you!

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  21. Lauren,my heart grieves for you and I pray for restoration to happen in whatever form God sees fit.

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  22. Another reader (and prayer) for you, Miss Taylor and the beans since you were pregnant with them.

    I know, in part, how you feel right now. I also had my two beautiful children and my partner left. I hate having to share them, I feel alone and like a part is missing.

    Praying for you xx

    Kate

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  23. We LOVE you and Tay. It was really wonderful getting to see you today at the celebration of her first year. You WILL get through this. You WILL get your happy ending. With as much as it sucks, you WILL be stronger for it. Through God, ALL things are possible. He WILL see you through. ((hugs))

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  24. Oh my word! I am not very observant, I guess! After reading this post, I went back and read older posts, and Josh hasn't been part of your life for a long time. I'm so sorry to hear that you're divorced. You'll get through somehow-keep busy-and thankfully you have that adorable little girl to keep you happy:)

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  25. So sorry to hear this news.
    But as you said "This is a season" of your life and there are many seasons in life. May you and josh find a way to raise Taylor and find peace with each other even in your separate paths. Walking with God and following Jesus foot steps is the best advice I could give. It seems when the pain of child loss hits the family it hits its center and sometimes we learn that its best to part ways. I cannot share in your emotions as I don't know them but my husband and I have ventured the road of divorce that's all too threatening. I understand the beginning of what you may be going through but not in its full extent. Please know that I will put you in my prayers and be thinking of you often. don't feel shame to cry or have a break when needed. This is VERY personal and you will need others to walk with you-Im here if you ever need. Hugs Lauren,
    Felicia

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  26. God knows you've had more than your fair share of heartache. I am confident God will continue to heal your heart and strengthen you. You have a lifetime of happiness ahead of you - I am SO confident of that!

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  27. I am so sorry to hear of your current loss, Lauren. We actually spoke by email briefly a few years ago when I lost my twin sons in a very similar way. I have kept up with your blog because I am inspired by your grace and zeal for life. I have no doubt you will come through this with much the same grace and appreciation for the blessings you have. You are not wrong to question these situations, though. You will get through it in time, and your daughter will love and respect your endurance and character always. hugs to you.

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  28. I started reading your blog when you were pregnant with the green beans. I am so, so sorry. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. You are a strong woman and God will carry you through. Soon, you will find a "new normal" Keep enjoying Taylor - she is definitely one of God's most precious gifts to you!

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  29. Oh my goodness Lauren, I am so sorry to hear this! My heart aches for you. God knows you have been to hell and back, but my how many times do you need to take that route?! I'm glad to hear you trying to see and stay positive during this dark time, you are a true woman of grace!

    I am shocked to be reading this and it sounds your divorce came a shock to you too? What happened that you went from married to divorce so quickly? Looking back at your blog looks like the bomb was dropped on you sometime in Oct or Nov, just when your moved your blog. This bomb must have been bad if you didn't feel a separation or counseling would be helpfull? I'm a assuming J was living a double life and being an unfaithful jerk! I'm sorry, but I'm so mad at your ex for whatever he did. I makes me sick whatever it is that he as done to you, especailly the journey you both shared with the Green Beans and then getting your beautiful Taylor. Turns out he is a week man and YOU do not need him!

    I will prayer for you and Taylor for strength and happiness. Again I'm so sorry. I don't know you, but from reading you blog for many years, you will be standing on top again.

    L.A.

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  30. Lauren,
    We also don't know each other. I was linked to your blog when you were early on pregnant with your precious Green Beans and you've been close to my heart ever since. From reading these past couple of years, I know you are an incredible and strong woman. I know you will get through! And know that there IS a Plan and you will find the Reason in due time. I too am in a tough season of life and I wanted to share a song that has helped me take pause and find some comfort in all the stressful junk of this world.

    http://youtu.be/Hoq44rFNbhY

    Hang in there! Tons of people are praying for you!!

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  31. LA, I agree with you. It must have been some bombshell that was dropped. Lauren is very pretty, appears to be a good mommy and is intelligent on top of it all. How could one expect to get a better package:-) In any case, she is handling everything with more class than most. Lauren-I am thinking of and keeping you and your sweet girl in my prayers.

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  32. Lauren,
    I'm so sorry! I pray that God will help you through this next chapter in your life. Your such a strong lady. Hugs to you and Tay!!

    Love,
    Michelle-

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  33. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ You a thousand times over and I am SO proud of you!


    -CRuss

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  34. Lauren Im so sorry you have to deal with this. I have faith in your perseverance to will yourself forward and get through this....but right now im just wishing you good days ahead. Please let me know if I can do anything for you from afar xoxoxo nan

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  35. Lauren I am so sorry to hear this. I had assumed from reading your blog that you two were separated and it broke my heart. I know first hand how difficult it is to go through a divorce. I have 2 little girls and my now ex left almost a year ago. It shattered my world! When I pictured motherhood I never envisioned having to send my sweet babies away to dad's for the weekends and holidays. Never thought I'd have to miss out on moments of their lives. I do know that it makes me appreciate every minute that I have with them more than I might have otherwise. Our trials do make us stronger and I know that God has something much bigger planned for both of us. Taylor is very blessed to have you as her mom!! You and Taylor will be in my thoughts and prayers as you weather this storm.

    Michelle
    http://shellibeane.blogspot.com/

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  36. Lauren-I have never commented on your blog but have been following it for over a year. When I read your post about your divorce I felt such sadness like you were one of my closest friends. I feel sadness for your loss and you have been through so much. As a mother of a 9 month old daughter I cannot imagine being without her for one minute. I admire your strength and beauty as you walk through life with such grace and honesty. Your blog brings me such joy when I read it. You have been through so much and have this zest and love for life. I would wish to be like you in the face of such adversity. Taylor is blessed to have a great mommy and she will learn what true grace and beauty is just by being raised by you. I pray for your continued strength.

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  37. I am sorry for your loss...allow yourself to go through ALL the stages of grief, because you ARE right, it is a loss, much like a death of a loved one. You and Taylor deserve the very best, she will learn from you how a woman is to be treated by a man and how a woman is to love and respect herself first, before anyone else can...you are the perfect person to teach her that...you may not feel strong, but you are and the days when yyou don't feel you can take ONE.MORE.STEP? Don't, rely on us and we will carry you through with our prayers and positive thoughts and love for Taylor and you!!


    Melanie Whitaker

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  38. Lauren, i was catching up on my blogs today and am in total shock of your news. You apppear to have it all together, yet, we who are strangers have no idea what is really going on. After I read your blog this afternoon, I couldn't help but think about you. Now it's 12:18 AM and I couldn't fall asleep. I guess cause my day wasn't finished...i felt I had to get up and tell you what was on my mind. We can say all sorts of things, but we don't know for sure what happened. All I know is that If Josh did leave you and Taylor, he is dumber than a box of chicken beaks. Why would he leave after all that has happened? Why he would leave a beautiful woman and a darling baby? One day he'll be sorry....after 12 years of being divorced, my EX finally said he was sorry. To little to late.
    You are a strong woman, but a human one. So, let yourself greive. Let yourself have crummy days, let yourself cry, but then, dust yourself off, and keep going. God has blessed you with sweet Tay. We don't know why we have to go thru crap in our lives, but we do. One day, things will change. Have faith. After my divorce happened, I thought, never once when I was a little girl was this part of my plan. But it's not our plans... I now have a wonderful husband and 2 kids. Don't give up!!! You are young, you are smart, you are beautiful....and you can start over.
    _AJ

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  39. Lauren - I am so sorry you are going through this! Believe me! I know EXACTLY how you feel! My daughter was 1 1/2 when we got divorced, and I still HATE when she is away from me for the weekends and holidays. She will be 17 in June. I pray that you and J can have a good relationship for Taylor's sake, as it will make things so much easier on ALL of you! I don't have this with my ex, and it is really awful sometimes. Praying for you all. Thanks for sharing, even though I know it is hard.

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  40. Lauren,
    First of all, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your marriage. You have been through so much and now this, it just breaks my heart. You deserve a very special place in Heaven, especially when you remain so dedicated and loyal to Him. You deserve nothing but happiness and I know sweet Tay will bring you lots of joy for years to come (maybe not so much during the teenaged years, hah). I have a 3-year old, 1-year old, and a three week old, and I too, will become a single parent soon. I can relate to your pain, anger, and heart break. I look forward to gaining some strength during this crappy time by reading your blog and words of wisdom and courage. So I thank you for that.
    Second of all, I did not see this coming and when I read this post I was shocked, and curious to see what you were referring to as the anonymous reader who was asking you about your marriage. I went back and read the comments of your previous posts and I was so appalled by some of these people. What right does someone have to repeatedly demand to know the status of your marriage? I'm sorry, but who the hell does this person(s) think he or she is? It absolutely blows my mind that people have the nerve to be that nosy and then be rude when you decided to not tell everyone what was going on. This is YOUR life, YOUR blog - not his or hers. I saw all of this yesterday, and as I thought more and more about it, I just couldn't resist to post a comment. I am so sorry people felt like they had the right to know every single detail of your life and marriage. And I'm impressed that you were mature enough to shrug off the rude comments and allow for them to remain on your blog. That shows serious class. Bravo to you Lauren.
    I wish you lots of happiness and love sweet girl. You are an amazing woman and Tay is one lucky girl to be able to have you as a mom.

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    1. Katie B.... Thank you for your sweet comment! I so appreciate your support and encouragement. I am so sorry to hear that you will become a single mom too, and with 3 young babies! Please email me your email address. I'd love to reach out off line and help support you in anyway that I can. My email is my first name (lauren), then last name (green) 07 @gmail.com

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  41. Hi Lauren, I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your marriage, I hope you find comfort in the days and weeks to come. No one has any right to judge the words you write. Some people have some nerve, and if you can't say who you are than maybe they shouldn't say anything.
    Taylor is lucky to have you, you have so much strength, and love of our lord.
    I'll be praying for you!
    Laura

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  42. Okay, I don't get it. You're an intelligent, hard-working, god loving woman who also happens to be like a 9 on the hotness scale...what else was Josh looking for in a companion? What a moron.

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  43. I have been following your blog from very early on and I am so sorry to hear about your marriage. I am only 25 and while I don't have any children, my story has a great deal of heartache as well.

    Two years ago this June, on the 8th anniversary of our first date, I married someone who I thought was the love of my life. Three days after we got home from our honeymoon I had to have my third major surgery in 18 months. Twenty days into the marriage my "husband" decided that being married really wasn't for him, and moved out. I filed for divorce on August 1st, and six weeks later on the night before my 24th birthday, my husband finally signed the papers. By Thanksgiving, our short marriage was dissolved. I remember so clearly walking down the courtroom aisle with my father on my right, thinking how morbid it was that just a few months earlier he had walked me down the aisle in church to give me away to someone he viewed as his son. Facing people after the wedding was torture when they would ask "how was the wedding?!?!!?". expecting a blissful new bride. Instead I would break down in tears at the hair dressers, or at physical therapy. I agree with you, divorce is an ugly, ugly word. I still struggle with checking the box off on legal documents that have those little mean boxes to determine which category you fall in, married, single, or divorced (gag). While I can't give you a reason as to why some people have a harder journey through life, I can reassure you that through your experiences, you are becoming a strong, independent woman who your daughter will always admire for your courage.

    I too am a very optimistic person, but I spent a great deal of time questioning why this would happen to me. In my struggle, I literally had to tell myself that "God has a plan" about 15 times a day, as I begged my mom to tell me why this was happening to me (like she really knew! ha! poor mom..). I truly believe that God has a plan for everyone, and while the plan isn't obvious to you right now, know that you are in good hands.

    I am now recovering from my sixth surgery, and have been blessed with a wonderful boyfriend who has been there for me every step of the way, through the pain of surgery and through the grief that sneaks back into my life at the most insidious moments as I learn to trust again. Every day I thank God for the second chance I have been given, and I tell my boyfriend regularly that as much pain and doubting as I went through, I would go through it all over again just to reach this degree of happiness. In the depths of my turmoil, I wasn't sure I would ever laugh again, or even want to love anyone again, yet at the same time I was heartbroken knowing that not letting myself ever love again would shatter my dreams of becoming a mom and having a family someday. Now I tell my boyfriend that he is my "human defibrillator" who brought my heart back to life after it stopped and was shattered. I truly believe that one day you will be able to look back and feel the same way knowing that things have worked out for you and your gorgeous Taylor just as they were meant to. You have been in my prayers since the Green Beans and I will continue to pray for you to find peace and reassurance at this difficult time.

    This is a quote from Mother Teresa which brings me so much peace when I question why my life seems so "unfair" at such a young age, I hope it reassures you as much as it has me, “I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”

    As your beautiful daughter grows older, I know she will be proud to call you her mom as she will one day recognize all the pain and heartache you endured while giving her a wonderful childhood full of love and heartwarming memories.

    Sorry for the lengthy comment, I just felt as though any insight I could offer might be reassuring at such a heartbreaking time!

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