More Trials, More Tribulations

I’ve been through A LOT in my 31 years – ahem, almost 32.  I have a lot of blessings (way more than I even give God credit for), and I’ve had a lot of losses.  The majority of the time I am counting my blessings and am a very positive person instead of wallowing in sadness and focusing on the negative.  Ask anyone that knows me; I have dealt with the things on my plate extremely well.  My theory is there is a reason why we go through trials and I’d rather just get to where God wants me to be rather than fight what he has planned for us. 

All the trials he puts us through are to shape us, mature us, and help us to grow in faith.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  - Romans 5: 3-4

and

Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  - James 1:2-4

Well, if this is the case then I should be JOYFUL and giving thanks, although right now, I am just a little beat down and still coming to terms with things…

See, I am grieving again.  This time it is a different type of loss.  I am grieving the loss of my marriage.  I am grieving the loss of the dreams I had for our family, the loss of the lifelong companion that I thought I’d have, the loss of the life that we’ve built together.  There’s no sugar coating this; J and I are divorced.

Yuck… I hate the “D” word.  It’s so sad and unfortunate.  Especially when there is NO good reason for it to even become our reality.

I’ve waited so long to start my family and God blessed us with our perfect little Taylor.  But now I will only get her part of the time.  That is pure torture for any Mom.  Why must I endure this too??

At this time right now, I don’t get what God is doing in my life.  I am trying to trust and trying just to let things be, but this is more difficult than words can say right now.  All the dreams and hopes that I had for my family are changing and will not be what I had planned and hoped for.

Just when I thought that things were going well… We finally have the baby that we’ve always dreamed of.  We live in our dream house (or at least pretty close to it), we are blessed with good careers, good health, great friends and family, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH… And then the bomb gets dropped on me.  NOTHING is as it seemed.  EVERYTHING is changing. 

I’ll get there and things will be “okay”, but this just really really REALLY sucks right now.  I know what I need to do.  I know what someone who trusts in God 100 percent would do, but I cannot just flip on that switch and be there over night.  It’s a long process.

There is still so, so much to be thankful for, but right this minute I am thinking about what I’ve lost.  I’ve lost so much.  I am still young and have my whole life ahead of me, but add this to losing my Green Beans just two and a half years ago is just too much to comprehend right now.

On a side note: I thank (most) of you for your patience in coming out with this.  It’s been underway for many months now, as some of you have pointed out in your anonymous comments.  Although this is very personal, I had to make this a part of my blog.  I have chronicled my life in this blog ever since I was newly pregnant with my Green Beans.  I’ve blogged about the good times and the bad, and this is just another season of my life.  Blogging is therapeutic for me, and at the least, I hope my open and honest approach can help others that may be suffering in silence.  I know, it’s not fun.