Thursday, August 15, 2013

Need to Talk…

I come to you this morning as I am sobbing over my bowl of cereal.  For some reason, I was hit with unexpected saddness over my Green Beans.  But why though?  As we all know, grief is unpredictable and it can strike when we are least expecting it.  It’s not their birthdays or any significant day – I just woke up sad about them.  Sad, because I feel like the more life goes on, the more distant their memories become.  I am afraid that I’ll start to forget them.  The life of my babies seems like it almost didn’t happen, yet it is such a big part of who I am, so it’s confusing to me.

I want to talk about them more, but it’s such a touchy subject.  Are people uncomfortable when I bring it up?  Are people afraid to bring it up to me because they don’t want to upset me?  Their memory is almost always a happy, joyful memory, so it rarely becomes a topic that upsets me.  I usually think of them and smile.

I don’t know why I fear the memory of them slipping away from me, because there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them and honor them.  They forever changed me for the better.  Because of them, I grew in my faith so much, and I am a better mommy to Taylor.  Even when she’s fighting me on her bedtime or when she wakes up at 5am demanding to watch Cinderella – I am ever so grateful to God for making me her Mommy.  Each moment we have together is precious. 


“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8

This verse reminds me that I will never know why God took my four babies right up to heaven the night they were born, when others seem to be miraculously saved and live perfectly healthy, happy lives, but I am okay with this.  I trust in God’s ways as they are not my ways.  What I do know is, we will all be reunited in heaven one day and there is no way to even comprehend how wonderful that will be!


  1. I know you don't know me, but I wish I could give you a hug. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I've been missing my boys something fierce lately too. I agree with you though, God has a plan for us. That is a huge comfort to me.

  2. I've been reading your blog since your pregnancy with the green beans. Your loss was simply awful and your heart will always need to remember them. Please write about Heidi, Lily, Paige and Rylan without fear of judgement. They are part of you and always will be!

  3. I'm right there with you girl! What has been bothering me lately is that sometimes when I think about Connor and his short life, it really seems like it didn't even happen. I hate feeling like that. I hate that I don't have new pictures to change out on my refrigerator and walls. I hate that it seems like everyone else has moved on and forgotten about him since its been 4 years since his birth and passing.

    Just yesterday someone asked me if Camryn was my only child and even though it physically aches every time I say it, I replied "yes, she's the only one we've got". I want so badly to share Connor's story but I never know how receptive people will be. Like you said, it is an uncomfortable and unexpected thing to hear.

    Thanks for sharing this post. It's so comforting to know that I'm not alone in the ups and downs of this grief journey.

  4. Those who really know you and love you, Lauren, will understand your need to talk about your sweet babies. And those who really know you and love you will consider it an honor that you feel safe enough to bring your Green Beans up in conversation with them.

    Praying grace and sweet moments of peace for you!

  5. We love when you talk about the Green Beans, so we're always happy to honor their memory with you! They'll always be a part of you & I love hearing you describe their personalities as they grew in your belly! Their time on this Earth was very short, but they'll forever be with you!

  6. Oh, sweetie! Heart broken for your sadness. Just so you know, I think of them often. And, you:) hugs. ~Jenna