I come to you this morning as I am sobbing over my bowl of cereal. For some reason, I was hit with unexpected saddness over my Green Beans. But why though? As we all know, grief is unpredictable and it can strike when we are least expecting it. It’s not their birthdays or any significant day – I just woke up sad about them. Sad, because I feel like the more life goes on, the more distant their memories become. I am afraid that I’ll start to forget them. The life of my babies seems like it almost didn’t happen, yet it is such a big part of who I am, so it’s confusing to me.
I want to talk about them more, but it’s such a touchy subject. Are people uncomfortable when I bring it up? Are people afraid to bring it up to me because they don’t want to upset me? Their memory is almost always a happy, joyful memory, so it rarely becomes a topic that upsets me. I usually think of them and smile.
I don’t know why I fear the memory of them slipping away from me, because there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them and honor them. They forever changed me for the better. Because of them, I grew in my faith so much, and I am a better mommy to Taylor. Even when she’s fighting me on her bedtime or when she wakes up at 5am demanding to watch Cinderella – I am ever so grateful to God for making me her Mommy. Each moment we have together is precious.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8
This verse reminds me that I will never know why God took my four babies right up to heaven the night they were born, when others seem to be miraculously saved and live perfectly healthy, happy lives, but I am okay with this. I trust in God’s ways as they are not my ways. What I do know is, we will all be reunited in heaven one day and there is no way to even comprehend how wonderful that will be!