4th Heavenly Birthday

The Green Beans’ 4th heavenly birthday is already upon us.  I’ve been dreading this day because I don’t feel like I have anything profound to say about them and nothing special planned to do on their day. For some reason I put this pressure on me to do something special, but I just can’t.  There’s not much to say anymore.  I remember them and honor them every day in some way, so with that, I know I am doing the best I can do.  I’m sure over the years, the pressure to have a special day planned will lessen and I won’t feel so obligated. 

I am so thankful to have my sweet Taylor by my side!  She helped me make cupcakes and sample frosting for her big sisters and brother.  We had such a fun time today listening to music, dancing in the kitchen, and decorating cupcakes.

I am so proud to be the mother to the Green Beans.  I am blessed to have them as a part of me.  They have changed me forever, for the better, and greatly impacted my faith and trust in Jesus!  I look forward to spending eternity with my big family in heaven one day!  They are a happy memory and I will remember and smile :)

lillian nicole

This is part 3 of Remembering my Green Beans, and it's all about my sweet, little Lily today. This has been a tough week for me; I've been thinking about my babies so much lately. My sadness and grief is unpredictable. Just when I think things are getting easier, I have a bad day (or week) for no apparent reason. It doesn't worry me though, I realize these feelings are normal and will be with me forever. I'm learning how to deal with it and how to incorporate it into my daily life.

Once known as "Baby B", our calm and compliant baby girl was given a very special name by her Daddy. Lily was named after Josh's grandma, Lillian, who was very influential in his life growing up. I unfortunately, never got the pleasure of meeting her, but I know she is up in heaven holding our babies and enjoying them.

Lily Nicole

Lily, Josh, and I got to spend the most time together the night she was born. Lily was the first of the 3 that came on February 23. Lily held on for as long as she could, but eventually had to come just a little too early. Lily was our largest and longest baby measuring 1 pound and 11" long. She seemed so close to being able to intubate, but her lungs we not developed enough yet. I wish it was meant to be that you were still with us, Lily. It's just not fair that you were so close. When we met you were so calm and angelic. Our memory of you will always be perfect.

Lily, you are so special to your Daddy and I. I cannot wait to see you again one day. You are missed more than words can say.

Click here to read about Lily's siblings:
Paige

Heidi

Ryan

i'm sad today...

I guess it’s normal to have good days and bad days, but today I definitely feel like I’m in a rut.  For the most part, I have good days.  I am happy to be alive and enjoying the ability to do things again, but today I am not feeling as positive.   There are plenty of things I should be doing and want to do, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything.   I’ve been wanting to take a shower all morning, but can’t seem to get it done.   I feel like I just wander aimlessly around my house, unsure what to do next. 

I  just really miss being pregnant and having that hope that my babies will make it.  I did everything I could do for them, but for some reason it wasn’t meant to be.  I miss them so much, and I wish could take care of them.   Even though I know it’s not my fault, I feel guilty for bringing them into this world long before they were ready.

Don’t get me wrong... I really don’t think I am depressed.  I find joy in life, and I am so glad to be able to do things again.  I am grateful to be alive, and to have the opportunity to move on.   Just sometimes I feel like my life doesn’t allow me to take a minute just to be sad and miss my babies.  I don’t like feeling sad, so it’s easy for me to get busy and try not to think about things.  Today it’s catching up with me I guess.

It really sucks to have gone though a delivery and not to have your babies as a result of it.  I know I “look” pretty much back to normal, but I still feel gross.  I have no tolerance for not looking completely back to normal, because I don't have the excuse that I just had a baby.   I am going back to Pilates next week for some personal training, so hopefully after a few weeks of that, I will feel better.