4th Heavenly Birthday

The Green Beans’ 4th heavenly birthday is already upon us.  I’ve been dreading this day because I don’t feel like I have anything profound to say about them and nothing special planned to do on their day. For some reason I put this pressure on me to do something special, but I just can’t.  There’s not much to say anymore.  I remember them and honor them every day in some way, so with that, I know I am doing the best I can do.  I’m sure over the years, the pressure to have a special day planned will lessen and I won’t feel so obligated. 

I am so thankful to have my sweet Taylor by my side!  She helped me make cupcakes and sample frosting for her big sisters and brother.  We had such a fun time today listening to music, dancing in the kitchen, and decorating cupcakes.

I am so proud to be the mother to the Green Beans.  I am blessed to have them as a part of me.  They have changed me forever, for the better, and greatly impacted my faith and trust in Jesus!  I look forward to spending eternity with my big family in heaven one day!  They are a happy memory and I will remember and smile :)

paige elise

I think about all my babies all the time, but for some reason today, Paige was really sticking out in my mind. I have no idea why, but I enjoy thinking of each of them individually and remembering why I love each and everyone so much. It's probably just because I'm their mommy, but I felt like I knew each of my "beans" individually and we each had a special connection. Since I was thinking about Paige a lot today, I decided I'd write about her first. So, in no particular order, I plan to post about each of my babies...

I just really miss them, and talking about them helps me hold on to their memory. I remember them all together, and I try to also remember them separately, because to me they were all so unique and special...

PAigE ElisE

I have thought of naming my daughter Paige since I was a little girl. I started out naming my baby dolls Paige because I loved the name so much. You are going to be so beautiful, I just know it. When I met you, you had your little hands in your mouth, and all the ultrasound pics you were always sucking your thumb. You were also known for having the biggest feet and hands, just like your mommy :).

Aside from me loving the name Paige all my life, her middle name meant just as much to me. Elise was a name I got from one of my favorite Cure songs (A Letter to Elise). When I was pregnant, I used to drive around in my car and sing this song to my babies. That song has always been a beautiful love song to me, and it reminded me of how hopelessly in love some guy would be for her one day. The song describes your eyes as being so blue, like I'm sure they are. If only I had the opportunity to look into your open eyes when we met.

In your memory, we hope to have the opportunity to name another one of our daughters after you one day.

I hope you are having a wonderful time in heaven, Paige. You deserve the absolute best. Your Mommy & Daddy love you and miss you more than words can describe. We look forward to the day when we'll meet you in heaven.

Click here to read about Paige's siblings:
Heidi
Lily
Rylan

i'm sad today...

I guess it’s normal to have good days and bad days, but today I definitely feel like I’m in a rut.  For the most part, I have good days.  I am happy to be alive and enjoying the ability to do things again, but today I am not feeling as positive.   There are plenty of things I should be doing and want to do, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything.   I’ve been wanting to take a shower all morning, but can’t seem to get it done.   I feel like I just wander aimlessly around my house, unsure what to do next. 

I  just really miss being pregnant and having that hope that my babies will make it.  I did everything I could do for them, but for some reason it wasn’t meant to be.  I miss them so much, and I wish could take care of them.   Even though I know it’s not my fault, I feel guilty for bringing them into this world long before they were ready.

Don’t get me wrong... I really don’t think I am depressed.  I find joy in life, and I am so glad to be able to do things again.  I am grateful to be alive, and to have the opportunity to move on.   Just sometimes I feel like my life doesn’t allow me to take a minute just to be sad and miss my babies.  I don’t like feeling sad, so it’s easy for me to get busy and try not to think about things.  Today it’s catching up with me I guess.

It really sucks to have gone though a delivery and not to have your babies as a result of it.  I know I “look” pretty much back to normal, but I still feel gross.  I have no tolerance for not looking completely back to normal, because I don't have the excuse that I just had a baby.   I am going back to Pilates next week for some personal training, so hopefully after a few weeks of that, I will feel better.