Heidi

Today is Heidi’s 2nd Heaven Day. 
Heidi passed away 3 days before I actually delivered her, so today is her official Heaven Day and January 31st is her birthday.  We associate the 31st more with Heidi’s day, as two years today, is not really a day I like to remember.
Two years ago today, and the day that I delivered my other 3, were the worst days of my life.  It was so scary and the hardest thing that I’ve ever endured.  Since it’s all still so hard for me to comprehend, I prefer to just focus on remembering and honoring her on her birthday.
I actually associate Heidi’s birthday with hope and new beginnings.  Since we lost her 3 days prior to her delivery, we had some time to come to accept the fact that she was gone.  When I delivered her, it was more of a positive thing.  My body instantly felt relief and my preterm labor signs seemed to have disappeared.  We believed that Lily, Paige, and Rylan now had a better chance at life.  My body seemed to recover from the stress of losing her and I was able to bounce back and do what I needed to do to help my remaining 3 thrive.  Heidi became our family’s personal angel to look over us.
I don’t even know if any of that makes sense.  Like I said, my feelings on this are really complicated.  Two years have passed and my thoughts are not any clearer than the day it happened.

As the years pass from the time we met each of our Green Beans, things do get a little easier.  The pain of losing them lessens a little.  The whole event starts to feel like an out of body experience.  New hope and happiness has come into our lives and I feel that I have made strides in my healing and grief. 
On the other hand, things can seem harder also.  As each year passes, I feel more and more distant from Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan.  It doesn’t even seem like it was me that it happened too.  It doesn’t seem possible that I once held their lifeless bodies in my arms.  My memory of meeting them fades and It’s all so surreal. 

I still don’t know what we will do this year to honor Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan on their second birthdays.  We may stick to making cupcakes for them again like we did last year, or we may come up with something different. 

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry"

The Cure – Treasure

(Not that I will EVER forget, but I feel like Heidi would have wanted us to remember her and smile…)

How Does This Happen?

One day, everything is great.  Its our first pregnancy, we are expecting quads.  I’m feeling great and we are making plans for our family…
Growing by the week…
We’re getting weekly updates on the babies, and things are going well…
There’s Lily all happy in utero…

And, Paige looking very cute…

And, Rylan growing up to be our big boy…

And then this?

Why does this happen?  How come that’s the end to my story? 
I guess I’ll never get it.

Prayers Needed

The Wheelock Family are in much need of your prayers right now.  Crissie just gave birth to her quads very prematurely.  Lillian was born still, and Garrison has now joined her in heaven.  Little Amelia and Elena are in the NICU and they desperately need your prayers. 

 http://wheelockquads.blogspot.com/

This story hits SO close to home, and it sickens me to think that another family is going through this right now.  I wish there was more we could do. 

Please check out their blog and send them some love.

 

Walking for Preemies

We walked in the Tampa March of Dimes walk today!  I was great to get outside on a beautiful morning and walk for an even better cause!  My Green Beans continue to be my inspiration to do good things and to make a difference.  I’m sure they are pleased to be watching down on us helping preemies have a better chance at life.  The hope is that all preemies will be born healthy one day.

I designed the shirts we wore for the walk and had them printed on bright green shirts.  They say GreenFamily.net on the front and this on the back:

My parents, Josh, and I walked with a big group of neighbors.  One of our neighbors, Jack, is my boot camp instructor, and he just so happens to have 9 year old quintuplets!  They were born at 27 weeks and spent months in the NICU, but luckily, they are all happy and healthy kids today! 

 

The 3 mile walk up and down Bayshore Blvd. flew by and was tons of fun!  Our walk lined the bay, so the view was beautiful!  The walk also took us right by Tampa General Hospital where I laid just a little over a year ago with my babies.  It was just another reminder of why we are doing this.

A big thanks to my parents who walked with us on our first ever Team Green Bean walk!   I’m already looking forward to next year’s walk!  I hope to have more people participate next year.

Heidi’s Heaven Day

Today is Heidi’s actual Heaven Day; the day that she went to go be with Jesus.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my sweet, little Heidi in some way. Heidi was only with us for 19 weeks, but she made a very big impact on our lives, and will never be forgotten.

Heidi is a very special girl and has not one, but TWO special days to remember her by. Her Heaven Day (today) and her actual Birthday Day (01/31/09).

Heidi,

Your Daddy and I are so proud of you. You were always meant to be an Angel. You did such a selfless and brave thing by leaving us to allow for your sisters and brother to have a better chance at life.

There hasn't been a day that goes by that I haven’t thought of you or were reminded of you in some way, Heidi. You made such a big impression on our lives in your short amount of time with us.

I have peace in knowing that you are a perfect Angel, and will always be. We will all be together again one day, and it will be perfect. In the meantime, I have a feeling that you’d prefer me to think of you and smile instead of being sad, so I try and do that as best as I can.

Today is your day Heidi. Your Daddy and I are thinking of you and missing you always…

Happy Heaven Day.

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;

1 step forward, 2 steps back

I know you're probably sick of hearing about this, and frankly I am sick of thinking about this. I just wanted to point out that one year ago today, I was given this amazing, life changing picture...

My Blogger friend, Erika, explained it perfectly... I subconsciously always know how long it's been since I reached one of these pregnancy milestones, but it's not like I am really counting the days. Do you know what I mean? This morning, I just woke up, and noticed that it was November 3rd (which is also my half birthday!) and quickly remembered this day one year ago. I remember it like it was just one month ago.

I'm tired of this always being on my mind. As much as I say that isn't, it still IS. I want it to go away, but I am afraid of forgetting about my babies. I am looking forward to New Years so much. It will be another big step towards having this behind me. I feel like I have been making leaps and bounds in my recovery lately, but every once in awhile I feel like I am pulled right back to where I used to be. *sigh*

just one year ago...

Just one year ago from now, we were on cloud nine, celebrating our first year of marriage at Sandals in Antigua! It was the best vacation ever! We spent that week laying out by the pool and at the beach. It was a much needed break from the busy lives we were living. Every thing slowed down for that week, and we didn't have a thing to worry about!

Enjoying dinner out. (ahh, I was so tan!)

The view from our room! Beautiful.

On the last day of our wonderful trip, I was feeling a little "weird". I don't know how else to explain it, but I just felt like taking a pregnancy test, so I did! And guess what? That was our first, very early sign, that we were pregnant with the quads. I was in total disbelief, and had to take another test the next morning, and then again when we returned home. Finding out that news while on our vacation made it even more special! What a great end to our trip.

Getting bumped to first class wasn't to bad either! This was the best meal ever served on a plane. My favorite, cereal!

Ahh, just ONE year ago... how easy life seemed. I don't even feel like the same person anymore. What a year it has been....

edd

Today, June 29th, marks the estimated delivery date that my doctor originally gave me, had I been pregnant with a singleton. At just 6 weeks pregnant, we discovered we were having quads, so this date was quickly replaced with our goal delivery date of May 18th (34 weeks). Just thinking about my babies today (everyday, actually) and wishing they were here...

shadow boxes

My friend, Allison, and I worked our butts off on Friday night hanging pictures and placing accessories around the new house. It's a lot of work decorating a new house, but I love it. It's so rewarding seeing everything put together. My main focus was to get the first floor all set up and looking complete, but in addition to that we also hung the shadow boxes that I made for The Green Beans in the hallway upstairs. I've been looking forward to finally getting my shadow boxes hung since I put them together weeks ago.

I used some random items that I got for each baby from their TGH memory boxes, and some other items that I collected for them. All of the shadow boxes contain the baby's little outfit and hat that they wore the night they were born. But other than that, they are all a little different and unique.

Heidi Michelle ~

For Heidi's box, I included a note that Josh's cousin sent us. It reads, " I know Gram's is smiling down on us with her hands full..." I just loved that idea of his grandma in heaven holding little Heidi, and it gave me peace when we lost her. I also included an Angel pin that was given to me, and since Heidi was our first angel, I put that pin in her shadow box.

Lily Nicole ~

Lily's box is unique because she was the only one that had the card made of her hand and feet prints. I also included a little handmade card that was sent to us with lilys on it.

Paige Elise ~

Paige's box includes a saying that was part of her TGH memory box that reads, " When someone comes into our lives... and they are too quietly and quickly gone, they leave footprints on our hearts... and their memory stays with us forever". I love that little saying.

Rylan Otto ~

Rylan's box contains a card with his birth weight and length on it that reads, " The memory of your smallness fills my heart with the blessing and the reality of you".

I love that saying too :)

And finally, here is all four of them together on the wall. I picked this particular place in our new house because this is the hallway that you walk down to go to the kid's rooms. I hope one day we will be walking down that hallway to our babies in their rooms, while passing the shadow boxes and remembering our Green Beans.

not a happy ending

As most of you have already read on Josh's Blog, I was rushed to the L&D floor Saturday night due to contractions. I was really scared, and had been advised that delivering Baby B was inevitable. Her bag was bulging into the birth canal, and I was 4cm dilated. After a horrible night spent on Magnesium ( to try to stop the labor), she was still determined to come just 2 weeks to early. Finally, we decided to discontinue the Mag late Sunday night and let nature take its course.  At around 1am I delivered baby B - Lily Nicole (who is named after
Josh's grandma, Lillian). Just as things were getting tied up after her delivery, I got another horrible contraction. The doctors quickly scanned me with the ultrasound machine and saw that now C & D had moved to the birth canal and had to be delivered. The labor was
too strong and there was no way to stop them. In total disbelief, I followed the doctor's instructions and delivered C (Paige Elise) & D (Rylan Otto) minutes later. The NICU team was standing by to check each baby, but their lungs were not developed enough to resuscitate.

Josh and I got to hold all the babies, and the nurses dressed them up and took pictures. They were all fully formed, just a little too young still to enter this world. As you can imagine, I am in shock still and my heart will be broken forever. It's really hard for me to understand why God would put us through this. He says He'll only give us what we can handle, but I find that hard to believe right now.

I am so grateful that no matter what I have Josh by my side. He has been so supportive throughout all of this. I am also so, so thankful for my family for helping us out and continuing to pray. I know I can always count on them. I am also so thankful for all our loyal blog followers who continue to send encouraging notes and prayers. All the support has been amazing, and we couldn't have gotten this far without each and everyone of you.

•Sent from my iPhone•

good news!

I had a quick ultrasound today to check on the baby's positions and fluids, and we got good news!  All of the babies have plenty of fluid around them, and are moving around looking healthy and strong!!  Their sacs all look good.  Baby C has also moved into a better position.  For the past couple of weeks, she was laying head down with Baby B, both competing for the limited space.  Now, Baby C is in breech position with her head up by my ribs.  Hopefully, this was a result of me laying inverted for the past week, and is now alleviating some of the pressure on my cervix.  Next week we will have a more detailed ultrasound to measure the babies for growth and weight.  It really helped lift my spirits hearing some good news today.

1 week down!

Hey Everyone - I thought I'd try to post today to let you all know that I am still "hanging" in there!  Today marks 1 week of being in the hospital... in bed; inverted.  My feet have not touched the floor in 7 days!  It's really hard, and starting to get to me, but I don't want to post about how bad it is... you can imagine.  On the very bright side, my pregnancy seems to be going well.  Like Josh mentioned, we are getting an ultrasound sometime today, so it will be nice to check in on the babies.  I am not experiencing any more leaking, so I wonder if Baby B's sac has sealed up.  All the babies are moving around all the time, and their kicks are getting harder and stronger by the day.  Laying around, feeling them kicking is my most exciting past time.  

I think we finally got the temperature issue down.  Since I've been using the cheap thermometer, I have had only normal temperatures.  Please keep praying that I won't get any infections.  I am determined to hang on to these babies until way past viability!

I am exhausted now, so I am going to take a little nap.

3D pictures

OK, I finally got around to sorting all the ultrasound pics, and Josh scanned them in for me.  The 3D images can look find of scary, because the babies are still so skinny, but here they are!  I think they're cute :)

 

This last picture shows our girls, B & C, as they always are, laying together and playing.  I bet that they will be really close to each other.

Doctor Update - I went to the doctor's AGAIN yesterday for a cervical check and... My cervix is totally closed and 2.38 cm thick, with no funneling! All good news!

B, C, and D are looking good

I just had more ultrasounds taken to check on Babies B, C, and D.
They all look great! This pic may be hard to see, but this is a 3D
image of Baby D covering his face. He's probably trying to get some
sleep like the rest of us!

ultrasound results

I couldn't wait any longer, so I pushed to have our ultrasound today.  The nurse got it scheduled, so Josh came back to the hospital from work a little early to be here for it.  We tried to prepare ourselves for the worst with what we might see.  What we got was confirmation that our sweet Baby A is not doing well.  She has absolutely no fluid around her.  With out the fluid, she will not have a chance to develop beyond where she is now.  I was advised by the doctors that it was already a miracle that I didn't go into labor last Tuesday when her sac ruptured.  That usually sends someone into labor right away, and we could have lost all the babies then.  Josh and I already consider the past week a blessing of sorts.  

Still, all we can do is wait and see, and hope that an infection doesn't occur as it could end up hurting the other babies and possibly me.  We've been informed that an infection may have already started, but we won't know until it's too late.  Needless to say, please continue saying your prayers for us and the babies.  I believe that the prayers have already really helped us deal with the situation, and give us more time with the babies than we "technically" should not have had.  

Anyone Used This?

I saw a couple with newborn triplets on TLC's A Baby Story using these bottle straws, called Pacifeeders.   I was thinking they would be useful with feeding all the babies at once while they are lying in their carseats or on their boppys.   Has anyone used these?