“Surrender” Success Stories

Remember when I officially surrendered my fertility fight to God back in August?  It was finally clear to me that it was exactly what I needed to do.  At the very moment that I wrote that post, I was actually pregnant with our miracle baby, but had no idea!  Looking back, this is still so amazing to me and I will never stop thanking God for it.
More awesome things have come about as a result of that surrender post.  A few blog followers contacted me to tell me that it inspired them to surrender their own fertility issues.
Nicole emailed me and said:

“…Surrendering the 'will I and wont I get pregnant' journey to God is something that I feel I have finally started trying to do. I don't think I realized it until I read it here today. Thank you for helping me realize that surrendering it is the best thing to do, TODAY! Wishing you and your growing tummy the very very best!”

Lynsie first contacted me just a few weeks after my Surrender post to congratulate me on our Greenie Baby.  She was struggling with getting pregnant again after experiencing the loss of her son.  She decided to try what I did and just let it go.  A few months later, she emailed me to let me know that she surrendered her fertility fight, and guess what??  She’s expecting now too!!

“It's so funny how after I first emailed you and you encouraged me to just let go how soon it was that I was pregnant!”

Wow, right?  I am so honored that making my own personal journey public has helped others deal with their challenges and give it to God.  I believe that these are just some of the blessings in disguise that are a result of having my Green Beans.
Whether its surrendering your fertility fight or something else, if you have a surrender story that you’d like to share, please email me or leave a comment.  If you are trying to surrender something in your life, document it.  You never know what changes you’ll end up seeing in your life!  I think these stories are so powerful and I’d love to hear about yours!

Heidi

Today is Heidi’s 2nd Heaven Day. 
Heidi passed away 3 days before I actually delivered her, so today is her official Heaven Day and January 31st is her birthday.  We associate the 31st more with Heidi’s day, as two years today, is not really a day I like to remember.
Two years ago today, and the day that I delivered my other 3, were the worst days of my life.  It was so scary and the hardest thing that I’ve ever endured.  Since it’s all still so hard for me to comprehend, I prefer to just focus on remembering and honoring her on her birthday.
I actually associate Heidi’s birthday with hope and new beginnings.  Since we lost her 3 days prior to her delivery, we had some time to come to accept the fact that she was gone.  When I delivered her, it was more of a positive thing.  My body instantly felt relief and my preterm labor signs seemed to have disappeared.  We believed that Lily, Paige, and Rylan now had a better chance at life.  My body seemed to recover from the stress of losing her and I was able to bounce back and do what I needed to do to help my remaining 3 thrive.  Heidi became our family’s personal angel to look over us.
I don’t even know if any of that makes sense.  Like I said, my feelings on this are really complicated.  Two years have passed and my thoughts are not any clearer than the day it happened.

As the years pass from the time we met each of our Green Beans, things do get a little easier.  The pain of losing them lessens a little.  The whole event starts to feel like an out of body experience.  New hope and happiness has come into our lives and I feel that I have made strides in my healing and grief. 
On the other hand, things can seem harder also.  As each year passes, I feel more and more distant from Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan.  It doesn’t even seem like it was me that it happened too.  It doesn’t seem possible that I once held their lifeless bodies in my arms.  My memory of meeting them fades and It’s all so surreal. 

I still don’t know what we will do this year to honor Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan on their second birthdays.  We may stick to making cupcakes for them again like we did last year, or we may come up with something different. 

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry"

The Cure – Treasure

(Not that I will EVER forget, but I feel like Heidi would have wanted us to remember her and smile…)

Surrender

I started writing this post weeks ago.  I do that a lot actually; I’ll have a fragmented thought, so I quickly type it out, and then it sits.  Sometimes I eventually complete the thought and post it.  Other times they just sit in my draft folder.

I already had part of this post written, but I didn’t really know where I was going with it, so I didn’t finish it; until last Sunday.  The message at church solidified my thoughts on this post and gave me more clarification.  It was definitely God communicating with me through the church message.

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I’m taking back the control of my life.

No longer am I going to let my fertility, or lack thereof, dictate my happiness in life.  I’ve got to set this aside and live my life.  Clearly God’s plan for me right now is not to have a child, so I’ve got to take a step back and let it go.  I still believe that it WILL happen for us eventually, now (I guess) is  just not the time.  I feel like I should be focusing on other things in my life and not constantly thinking about it, worrying about it, hoping for it….  I need to focus on the life I have and all the blessings in my life; not dwell on the one thing I don’t have.

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Last Sunday, I was reminded that happiness is related to God – the true joy.  God is the source of joy and the key to true joy is to surrender what’s weighing on you.  This theory can apply to all situations - It may not be your desire to have a baby, but it could be something else, or habit that you need to surrender.  Surrender what you are trying to control and give it to God.  It’s much easier said than done, but surrendering at least part of it for now is a good start in the right direction.

This was a pretty big deal for me to hear at church because of its timing.  To have a portion of this post just sitting there, half written, and then to hear that the key to happiness and joy is to surrender, made it that much clearer to me that I do need to give this up.

I can’t control my life.  Josh and I learned that the hard way as I laid in my hospital bed and we were unable to save our babies.  Therefore, I have nothing to lose by surrendering this (or at least doing my best to try too). 

 

Philippians 4 4:5  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

 

Q&A and What’s Next?

I thought I’d take a moment to answer some questions I’ve received related to the running I’ve been doing lately…

What phone case do you use while running?

I’ve used this iPhone armband for the past couple years.  It’s worked well for walking, running, and bike riding.  When my phone’s not in it, I store my ear phones in the case and keep it in my car so it’s always with me.

What’s on my workout playlist?

It would be a lot to list out the hundreds of songs that I’ve got in my Workout Playlist, so I’ll just list a few of my must-haves.  I have quite the acetic music collection…

• Black Eyed Peas (Boom Boom Pow, Rockin To The Beat, Imma Be)
• Britney Spears (Boys, Me Against The Music, Gimme More, 3)
• Montel Jordan (This is How We Do It)
• Fergie (Fergalicious)
• Usher (Yeah!, OMG)
• The Crystal Method (Cherry Twist, Busy Child, High Roller)
• Sir Mix-A-Lot (Baby Got Back)
• Marky Mark (Good Vibrations)
• Beastie Boys (Body Movin’)
• Jay Z (I’ll Be, Empire State of Mind)
• EMF (Unbelievable)
• Milli Vanilli (Girl You Know It’s True, Blame it on the Rain)

I really attribute a lot of my running success to these songs.  They can keep me going even when my body wants me to stop.

Now that I’ve completed the Couch 2 5k exercise - Can I run a 5k?

Yes, I can actually!  It’s not easy, but I can definitely do it.  It takes me about 30 minutes to go the distance, and I’ve been doing it about 3 times a week.  My race is coming up in 2 weeks and my goal is to run it in 28 minutes. 

My motivators:

Traci, my SIL, was a big motivator for me.  She runs and bikes a lot and has even done a few triathlons!  She originally told me about C25k and I started my 5k training with her while we were on our family vacation this summer.

Another big motivator is my Boy BFF, Mike.  A few months ago he started running in the mornings.  I was inspired that he was waking up early to run on his own, so I followed suit!

Running and working out in general has also played a big role in my healing.  It feels good to focus on something other than missing my babies and/or having a baby.  Plus, it’s great to be fit and healthy!   

Who’s up for the challenge?

I’m so proud of Devon and Josh for both started Couch 2 5k this week!  I can’t wait to see the progress they make.  I know they will both do great!  Maybe in 9 weeks or so we can all do a 5k together?

What’s Next? 

After my race in 2 weeks, I am going to start my 10k training.  I just downloaded this app.  Ahhh.. a 10k sounds scary!  The app says it’s “specifically designed to bridge Couch 2 5k grads to run a 10k in just 6 weeks.”  We’ll see about that!

 

The first week assignment is a 10 minute run, walk for 1 minute, and repeat 4 times.  Not too bad…

 

Ouch!

On Friday I had to go back to the Dermatologist to have 3 more “dysplastic” moles removed.  My doctor thought these moles were questionable, so erring on the side of caution,  she decided to remove them.  The lab results ended up showing that the one on my forearm was pretty bad, so my doctor had to go in deeper to get clear margins.  The cut was so large, I had to get 5 stitches!  

 

I was very brave and endured the 3 numbing shots, and what felt like 10 minutes of stitching!  It was not fun at all; although, having this done is still a lot better than having melanoma! 

I’m learning the hard way, but now I always wear sun block.  My days of having a nice dark tan are over unfortunately!

If you think you may have any “questionable” moles (or even freckles), please don’t hesitate; get them checked out!  It’s all about prevention and a lot better to find out sooner than later!

the new year!

The new year is upon us, and I have high, high hopes that it will be much better than 2009. We started the New Year off with a bang, and had a great house party with 10 of our closest friends, 4 doggies, and 5 sleeping babies. (I'll post about that soon!)

This year, I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. I plan to just continue doing what I am doing because I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm realizing that I have a long and bumpy road ahead, but I still feel that I've made great progress over the past few months in recovering from all that I've been through. So with that said, my plans for 2010 are to:

• Allow myself to completely trust in God, and let Him be in control. (That's a big one, and easier said than done, but I am going to try my best. I have nothing to lose!)
• Keep up the positive outlook on life, and keep hoping for the best.
• Take advantage of this time in my life (when I don't have living children) and focus on excelling at work having fun with Josh.
• Start using my Lose It app a little more strictly (since I slacked off over Thanksgiving and Christmas a little... oops!)

Did you know that at the end of this month, it will already be one year since my sweet Heidi was born and gone to heaven? Yep; a whole year already. With that said, what do I do? I want to something special on both Heidi's Day (January 31st) and the day my other three were born (February 23rd), but I don't know what. I don't want it to be a huge production, just something simple to honor their memory.

Do you have any suggestions? Please, send me any ideas you've got.

say hello to my little friend

I mentioned a few weeks ago in a post that I went to the Dermatologist to get a mole check. Well, it turns out the 2 out of the 4 moles I had removed were "questionable". The doctor described them as dysplasia - irregular cell formation. Ugh! Basically areas with dysplasia can develop into melanoma, so I am glad I got it checked when I did. It's all about early detection! Now I have to go back to the Derm and get the some additional skin around those sites removed, just to make sure they got it all. I am dreading having this done, so my mommy has agreed to come along to my appointment for moral support.

I typically use sunblock when I am spending time out in the sun, but not on a day-to-day basis, so now I'll be changing that. The Florida sun exposure seems more intense than in other areas, so I need to be extra careful. If you don't already use sunblock daily, I hope you'll learn from my mistakes, and start!

~Lauren

hello cute jeans!

I have been feeling better and better lately. My energy level is coming back slowly, and I am enjoying all the little things in life that I am now able to do again. I even got brave yesterday and tried on my favorite jeans... They were definitely tight, but I got them on, so that was encouraging!  I finally got the chance to drive my car again too.  I am used to driving about 2,000 mi per month, so to stop driving completely for 8+ weeks made me really miss it!

I went for a Postpartum doctor's visit yesterday, and I seem to be on my road to a physical recovery (finally). My BP is still running high, but they are not concerned with that. Dr. Rao said that it may take a few more weeks for that to level out. My pulse is now normal as I go about my daily duties. I'm sure that the low pulse rate was just a result of the bed rest.

Tonight, Josh is taking me on a date!  We used to make it a habit to go out every Friday by ourselves and do something, so this will be a nice treat.  He won't tell me what he's got planned.  All I know is that I'm supposed to be casual, wear jeans, and bring a jacket.  Hmmm... What could that be?!?

Going Home!

My echo results just came in and everything is normal! Yay! My heart rate is still in the mid 40's, so the Cardiologist asked me to briskly walk around the floor a few times to see what my heart rate does. After a couple of laps, I stopped at the nurse's station and my heart rate was 100. They were really happy with that, and the doctor said that if my heart rate has the ability to raise that quickly that there are no problems. All these heart rate issues are most likely a result of me laying in bed for the past 6 weeks. Now, I am just waiting for my OB to come up and see me one last time, then I will be discharged. Hopefully for good!

update

For those of you who haven't already seen Josh's blog, he just posted a summary of our week.  Check it out If you are looking for an update.

gimme a break

You'll never believe this, but I am back in the hospital tonight with
a 101.5 temp and a developing infection. We are so tired of this.
When I was discharged 2 days ago, the doctors were concerned with me
getting an infection, but there was nothing "clinically" that showed I
had one at the time so they let me go home. Well, now I do and I am
admitted for a minimum of 48 hours once my fever goes away. This is
so disapointing, and Josh and I are in need of more R&R at home.

Off to get some good Ambien sleep... Hopefully!

Lauren Green
•Sent from my iPhone•

walking!

I started walking around a little yesterday, and more today.  Josh and I just took a walk around the hospital floor.  I feel like a 90 year old frail lady right now, but I am confident that my body will bounce back soon.  It's been 11 days since I've set foot on the floor, so it's a big adjustment!

We are waiting for the doctor to come back to write up our discharge paperwork.  My lab results look fine, and I'm eating (which I never have a problem doing).  We are so looking forward to getting home soon.  I can't wait for a good 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep in my own big bed!

Thanks to all have sent the encouraging comments and emails.  It's amazing to see how many people care and who want to help.  I wish there was something you all could do TO help, but more prayers and support is all we can ask for.  This morning has been really hard for me, but I am trying to focus on the positive in all this.