4th Heavenly Birthday

The Green Beans’ 4th heavenly birthday is already upon us.  I’ve been dreading this day because I don’t feel like I have anything profound to say about them and nothing special planned to do on their day. For some reason I put this pressure on me to do something special, but I just can’t.  There’s not much to say anymore.  I remember them and honor them every day in some way, so with that, I know I am doing the best I can do.  I’m sure over the years, the pressure to have a special day planned will lessen and I won’t feel so obligated. 

I am so thankful to have my sweet Taylor by my side!  She helped me make cupcakes and sample frosting for her big sisters and brother.  We had such a fun time today listening to music, dancing in the kitchen, and decorating cupcakes.

I am so proud to be the mother to the Green Beans.  I am blessed to have them as a part of me.  They have changed me forever, for the better, and greatly impacted my faith and trust in Jesus!  I look forward to spending eternity with my big family in heaven one day!  They are a happy memory and I will remember and smile :)

rylan otto

I loved reading all your sweet comments about my Little Paige. It was really nice to just highlight one of my babies for a day, and to remember and honor just her. It is also nice to give you all the opportunity to "get to know" my babies the way I do.

Rylan is my sweet little boy. He was the youngest and smallest. He was the last to be conceived, and contently stayed in my upper, right side throughout the whole pregnancy. When I think about Rylan I feel guilty because I feel that my body pushed him out long before he was ready to enter this world. If it had been up to him, he would have stayed in there all 40 weeks. I know that I couldn't do anything about it, and since all his sisters came, it was inevitable that he would too. As I delivered Heidi, Lily, and then Paige, I grasped on to the very small possibility of Rylan being able to make it. I daydream of you still being with us, and I wish that at the least, you could have survived this and still be with us today. Even though you were our smallest baby, I just know that you were going to grow up to be a big, strong boy. I am at peace knowing that Rylan wanted to take care of his sisters in heaven, so that is where he is meant to be.

For the longest time, Josh and I were undecided about his name. I had mentioned the name before, but it was never really decided on, until the night he was born. Your Daddy and I looked at you, and we just said "Rylan". It was perfect for you. Otto has been a family name for many generations in Josh's family, so without question, we passed that name on to Rylan.

(I found this clip in the magazine I was reading after we picked his name. Some celebrity had just named their son Rylan too. I thought that was quite a coincidence since it's a pretty unique name.)

Rylan, we hope that we will be blessed with another baby boy one day, and when we are he will have your middle name to carry out your legacy.

Rylan never gave me any trouble. He was a perfectly sweet baby, and just wanted peace and quite in utero. Every time the ultrasound techs would try to measure him, he'd flip around or cover his face just to get some sleep. I have a feeling that he was going to be very confident and independent, like his Dad. Like I said, he contently stayed in his own corner as far away as possible from all the commotion the girls were always causing.

(Here he is covering his face)

Rylan, you are angel who was meant to be in heaven. I hope you are having the best time. We love you a miss you more than words can say.

Click here to read about Rylan's siblings:
Heidi
Lily
Paige

i'm sad today...

I guess it’s normal to have good days and bad days, but today I definitely feel like I’m in a rut.  For the most part, I have good days.  I am happy to be alive and enjoying the ability to do things again, but today I am not feeling as positive.   There are plenty of things I should be doing and want to do, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything.   I’ve been wanting to take a shower all morning, but can’t seem to get it done.   I feel like I just wander aimlessly around my house, unsure what to do next. 

I  just really miss being pregnant and having that hope that my babies will make it.  I did everything I could do for them, but for some reason it wasn’t meant to be.  I miss them so much, and I wish could take care of them.   Even though I know it’s not my fault, I feel guilty for bringing them into this world long before they were ready.

Don’t get me wrong... I really don’t think I am depressed.  I find joy in life, and I am so glad to be able to do things again.  I am grateful to be alive, and to have the opportunity to move on.   Just sometimes I feel like my life doesn’t allow me to take a minute just to be sad and miss my babies.  I don’t like feeling sad, so it’s easy for me to get busy and try not to think about things.  Today it’s catching up with me I guess.

It really sucks to have gone though a delivery and not to have your babies as a result of it.  I know I “look” pretty much back to normal, but I still feel gross.  I have no tolerance for not looking completely back to normal, because I don't have the excuse that I just had a baby.   I am going back to Pilates next week for some personal training, so hopefully after a few weeks of that, I will feel better.