Remembering My Green Beans & Jubilee Duggar

I don’t post about my Greenie Beanies much anymore. I guess I partly hold back because I don’t want to keep bringing them up without any new information to share. There’s only so much I can say. It keeps me from posting about them.

Well, I have two really amazing friends, and we ended up having a great conversation about them last night! It meant so much to me that they would bring it up and continue to ask me questions. Just like all Moms, we love to talk about their babies and that doesn’t change in my situation. I love to share about them, but I tend to shy away from it. They genuinely wanted to know more about each of my babies and I got to share how I knew each of them independently.

   Take a look back with me about my special posts I did about each of them in 2009….

Heidi’s Post

Lily’s Post

Paige’s Post

Rylan’s Post

We listened to the songs that remind me of them. “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz is one that always brings me back to that moment. It’s always a tear jerker. It was a really meaningful conversation that we had and I’ll never forget it. It sure was nice to talk about them again. It had been too long.

On another related note, did you see the Season Premier of 19 Kids and Counting? It was really moving. It’s about their most recent baby, Jubilee that they ended up losing at 17 weeks. It was a very emotional episode and they handled their grief so eloquently. As Michelle was still lying on the Ultrasound table, seconds after they learned that Jubilee’s heart was no longer beating, she says, “The Lord giveth and taketh away. Blessed be the Lord.” Job 1:21

They were very delicate with how they told their 19 other kids. There were a lot of tears. Michelle also shared with her kids ”Jubilee will never feel pain or sorrow. She is in a much better place than we are.“ Isn’t that so encouraging? I love knowing that about my four and I look forward to the day when my family is all reunited together in heaven. I also thought it was really special how they had a funeral service for Jubilee, then a family burial afterwards. It made me a little regretful that we didn’t do more of a formal service for the Green Beans when they died, but there’s no rule saying that I can’t do something for them at anytime really.

When things go well and you are blessed, you can feel Me smiling on you.  When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My Light is still shining upon you.  My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise.  - Jesus Calling, from the September 1st message

How We Remembered The Green Beans

 

This year, to do something special for the Green Beans, we took off for the afternoon and had a nice relaxing day at the beach.  It was nothing too special, but the point was to take a moment out of usual hustle and bustle of our lives and do something just for the Beans.  I want to make this a tradition, so Taylor grows up knowing that we do this sort of thing on her siblings’ Heaven Days.  It was a beautiful day on the water, and Taylor enjoyed playing in the sand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Story Continues

Three years ago today, I wrote ‘Not A Happy Ending’ to quickly record my raw feelings, what seems like just minutes after it all went down…  My mind was still heavily sedated and my body in complete shock.  My life came crashing down on me.  It seemed like the end.  I realize now with a much clearer state of mind that that night was not the ending, it was really just the beginning of how the story of the Green Beans will unfold.  As I sit here three years later, I can attest that the story of my Green Beans continues - and is and will become a happy ending.

No, I didn’t get the outcome that any of us wanted that night.  It’s hard to trust God or ever allow Him into your heart when my babies all still died as literally tens of thousands of people around the world were praying for us that night.  It’s really hard to comprehend.  It seems impossible to find the silver lining in the situation at the time. 

There were a couple of instances that week that I literally almost died - from a broken heart.  It is indescribable pain.  I questioned if it was also in God’s will to take me to be my babies’ mother in heaven.  I wanted to go; I didn’t want to face the world that existed outside of my hospital room.  I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t begin to start over again, or attempt to explain to an outsider what happened to me…

We are remembering and honoring all my beautiful angel babies today – Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan. 

 

Well, here I am three, very eventful, years later.  I survived and I thrived.  Life continued to throw its curve balls, but I am stronger and better thanks to my time with my Green Beans.  They changed me for the good, forever.  It isn’t an unhappy ending, in fact, as the story unfolds, it has become a beautiful story of faith, trust, love, and abundant blessings.  Its an inspiring story that will end with happily ever after…

During your short time with me, you changed me for the better - forever.  You inspired thousands.  You touched our hearts, and your impact on this Earth will not be forgotten.  You inspire me to be my best.  I like to think that you four are Taylor’s personal angels who look after her.  I want to make you proud and I have a feeling that I do :)  I can’t wait for the day when we are all reunited in heaven together as one big happy, complete family. 

Until then, we remember you and smile.

I realize now just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.  And oh, how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so.

Heidi

Today is Heidi’s 2nd Heaven Day. 
Heidi passed away 3 days before I actually delivered her, so today is her official Heaven Day and January 31st is her birthday.  We associate the 31st more with Heidi’s day, as two years today, is not really a day I like to remember.
Two years ago today, and the day that I delivered my other 3, were the worst days of my life.  It was so scary and the hardest thing that I’ve ever endured.  Since it’s all still so hard for me to comprehend, I prefer to just focus on remembering and honoring her on her birthday.
I actually associate Heidi’s birthday with hope and new beginnings.  Since we lost her 3 days prior to her delivery, we had some time to come to accept the fact that she was gone.  When I delivered her, it was more of a positive thing.  My body instantly felt relief and my preterm labor signs seemed to have disappeared.  We believed that Lily, Paige, and Rylan now had a better chance at life.  My body seemed to recover from the stress of losing her and I was able to bounce back and do what I needed to do to help my remaining 3 thrive.  Heidi became our family’s personal angel to look over us.
I don’t even know if any of that makes sense.  Like I said, my feelings on this are really complicated.  Two years have passed and my thoughts are not any clearer than the day it happened.

As the years pass from the time we met each of our Green Beans, things do get a little easier.  The pain of losing them lessens a little.  The whole event starts to feel like an out of body experience.  New hope and happiness has come into our lives and I feel that I have made strides in my healing and grief. 
On the other hand, things can seem harder also.  As each year passes, I feel more and more distant from Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan.  It doesn’t even seem like it was me that it happened too.  It doesn’t seem possible that I once held their lifeless bodies in my arms.  My memory of meeting them fades and It’s all so surreal. 

I still don’t know what we will do this year to honor Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan on their second birthdays.  We may stick to making cupcakes for them again like we did last year, or we may come up with something different. 

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry"

The Cure – Treasure

(Not that I will EVER forget, but I feel like Heidi would have wanted us to remember her and smile…)

It’s Complicated

We had a deep conversation at our church group last night about why we run from God at times.  I had trouble relating to that, because I couldn’t think of a time (in my adult life) where I feel that I’ve ran from God.  It was later explained by someone that sometimes we don’t run, we just are turning our backs from God, or refusing to hear what He is trying to tell us; all still a form of running from God. 
It wasn’t until today that I realized that I am partially turning my back on God with this pregnancy.  One part of me is so, so thankful for this miracle baby and am trusting in God that this will be the baby that we bring home from the hospital.  The other part of me is not fully trusting in God about this.  I am trying, but it is a major work in progress.  Sometimes I am stronger than others; other times I feel myself feeling really weak and defeated.
I’m letting myself get this way, and I am ashamed to admit this.  Part of me is trying to protect myself by already grieving the loss of my Greenie.  Its so sad, but true.  This is probably why I felt so depressed after my Peri appointment even though we were given a good report.  I know the risks and complications that I am prone to and so I feel that I am preparing myself – even though it’s impossible – for the worst case scenario. 
I didn’t realize how complicated pregnancy after loss is.  All I focused on was getting pregnant.  Now that I am, I have a whole new set of issues and emotions to deal with.  God knows I am ready for this, that’s why he blessed us with this baby, so I am going to try to have a better attitude about it.  The fact that I realize that I am tuning my back on Him is a start.  I recognize this and can now begin to tackle it. 
I’m trying to hold on to the GOOD news.

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139

Sunday School

My Dad invited me to be a guest speaker at his Sunday School class that he’s currently leading.  The class is about “if God is good, then why do we hurt?" so I shared my story and thoughts on grief. 

I wasn’t too nervous to speak, but my parents and I did get a little emotional as I was trying to get though my message.  It was a little more difficult to speak on this subject than I thought, but I got through it.  All I hope is that what I shared was helpful to the people in his class.  Afterwards, I thought of so much more that I should have said, or elaborated on, but oh well.  I think I still did a fairly good job.

Throughout sharing my story, I read some verses and a quote that I really like, so I wanted to pass those on to you…

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 -- For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 

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Quote from ‘I Will Carry You’ by Angie Smith (page 185)

“It is a decision we must make, many times even in a day, to choose to believe that our Father is good.  That sentence may be hard for you to read depending on where you are because we don’t understand many of the ways the Lord works on our behalf.”

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2 Corinthians 12:9  - But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

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Jeremiah 29:11 -- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

Surrender

I started writing this post weeks ago.  I do that a lot actually; I’ll have a fragmented thought, so I quickly type it out, and then it sits.  Sometimes I eventually complete the thought and post it.  Other times they just sit in my draft folder.

I already had part of this post written, but I didn’t really know where I was going with it, so I didn’t finish it; until last Sunday.  The message at church solidified my thoughts on this post and gave me more clarification.  It was definitely God communicating with me through the church message.

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I’m taking back the control of my life.

No longer am I going to let my fertility, or lack thereof, dictate my happiness in life.  I’ve got to set this aside and live my life.  Clearly God’s plan for me right now is not to have a child, so I’ve got to take a step back and let it go.  I still believe that it WILL happen for us eventually, now (I guess) is  just not the time.  I feel like I should be focusing on other things in my life and not constantly thinking about it, worrying about it, hoping for it….  I need to focus on the life I have and all the blessings in my life; not dwell on the one thing I don’t have.

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Last Sunday, I was reminded that happiness is related to God – the true joy.  God is the source of joy and the key to true joy is to surrender what’s weighing on you.  This theory can apply to all situations - It may not be your desire to have a baby, but it could be something else, or habit that you need to surrender.  Surrender what you are trying to control and give it to God.  It’s much easier said than done, but surrendering at least part of it for now is a good start in the right direction.

This was a pretty big deal for me to hear at church because of its timing.  To have a portion of this post just sitting there, half written, and then to hear that the key to happiness and joy is to surrender, made it that much clearer to me that I do need to give this up.

I can’t control my life.  Josh and I learned that the hard way as I laid in my hospital bed and we were unable to save our babies.  Therefore, I have nothing to lose by surrendering this (or at least doing my best to try too). 

 

Philippians 4 4:5  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

 

I Don’t Read

I normally don’t read books.  I usually just stick to thumbing through a few magazines when I’m by the pool.  I hate to admit this, but I literally never read a book in High School or College.  I got by with reading a little here and there, and by using Cliff’s Notes.  I didn’t really start reading until I was an adult and found a few books that peaked my interest.

A couple weeks ago, I was given ‘I Will Carry You’ by my friend LB.  I’ve heard great things about the book, but was reluctant to get it for two reasons – 1.) I don’t like to read, and 2.) I wasn’t looking forward to reliving some of the feelings of grief and baby loss.

Despite my hesitation, I decided to give it a try.  The first time I picked it up, I read over half the book.  I couldn’t put it down!  I can’t get Angie’s amazing story out of my head and I can’t stop thinking about sweet Audrey. 

Angie was able to express her feelings in a way that I could never put into words.  So many of the things she wrote really spoke to me, so I wanted to share some of those excerpts with you…

“His ways are not our ways and we must believe even when we can’t see the way out.” 

I love this saying.  I posted it on Facebook the second I read it.  Its hard to accept, but so true.  We cannot even begin to understand why God does the things he does.

 “[In her prayer] May we each learn how to walk in confidence of what You have planned for our lives and rest in that as the only truth.”  (page 185)

Yes, that is quite the challenge.  My hope is that I continue to grow in that direction and not drift further from this as time passes…

“It is a decision we must make, many times even in a day, to choose to believe that our Father is good.  That sentence may be hard for you to read depending on where you are because we don’t understand many of the ways the Lord works on our behalf.” (page 185)

I love the way Angie describes her faith throughout this book.  It never waivers.

“In the moment the Lord took her from our arms into His.  Right before our eyes, she passed from this world to the next, and all she had ever known was love.” (page 87)

What an indescribable moment that is.  So well said.

This one quote from the book sparked so many emotions.  I think I’ll elaborate on this more in a separate post. 

 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

What a powerful verse this is.  I need to read this verse often to keep me in check during my weak moments. 

“Eagerly awaiting the day when You will redeem what we have lost.” (page 154)

Amen to that. 

 

Its so helpful for me to re-read these quotes to remind myself that God has a plan and that there is better to come.  Did you read this book?  Did you have any favorite quotes or verses from it?  Please share; I’d love to hear your thoughts and what spoke to you. 

How Does This Happen?

One day, everything is great.  Its our first pregnancy, we are expecting quads.  I’m feeling great and we are making plans for our family…
Growing by the week…
We’re getting weekly updates on the babies, and things are going well…
There’s Lily all happy in utero…

And, Paige looking very cute…

And, Rylan growing up to be our big boy…

And then this?

Why does this happen?  How come that’s the end to my story? 
I guess I’ll never get it.

Gee, thanks!

Look at what I got in the mail the other day…

 

Toys R Us was so thoughtful to remember to send me a ‘Happy 1st Birthday’ card.  What a nice reminder that we are quickly approaching what would have been the Green Beans’ actual due date.

Gee, thanks Geoffrey!  You just made my day.

Blah.

I’m not going to sugar coat this.  This was the worst Mother’s Day ever.  Last year, Josh and I tired our best to go with the flow.  Go to brunch, have a nice relaxing day together, but still it felt really weird.  Now one year later, it’s Mother’s Day, and every minute of it hurts.  I just don’t feel like I belong.  Mother’s Day is a day that Dads and kids show their love and appreciation for their hard working Mom.  That is not me.  I don’t do any of those daily duties for my children; I don’t do their laundry, cook, or clean for them.  It’s just a day that makes me feel alone and awkward. 

Mother’s of angels already have too many days as it is that remind us of our babies.  For me, Mother’s Day was just like rubbing salt in the wound.  I HOPE this is my last depressing and lonely Mother’s Day.  I don’t even want to think about what things will be like next year if I’m still like this.
Feeling this way also takes me away from celebrating MY Mom on Mother’s Day, and it’s not fair.  I can’t get past the awkwardness and the sadness, so I don’t really say or do much.  I was able to get through this morning pretty well, and my parents, Josh and I went to church and then had a nice lunch at our house afterwards.  It was nice, but I was glad to retreat to the couch for the majority of the day afterwards.

I really do appreciate all the “Mother’s Day” wishes that I was sent.  It’s sweet of you to think of me, and to remember my Green Beans.  I know I’m still considered a Mother, but it’s just not the same as having a child in your arms on a day like this. 
 

Prayers Needed

The Wheelock Family are in much need of your prayers right now.  Crissie just gave birth to her quads very prematurely.  Lillian was born still, and Garrison has now joined her in heaven.  Little Amelia and Elena are in the NICU and they desperately need your prayers. 

 http://wheelockquads.blogspot.com/

This story hits SO close to home, and it sickens me to think that another family is going through this right now.  I wish there was more we could do. 

Please check out their blog and send them some love.

 

What’s Next?

I’ve been a huge blogging slump lately.  I just haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say. I feel like I’m entering a new phase in my journey, now that my babies’ first Heaven Days have passed.  I don’t know what’s next, but it feels good so far.

Instead of feeling further from the memory of my children, and from the day that I held them in my arms, I am feeling better.  More free from the haze that I have been living in over the past year.  More like myself again.  Oh, how I’ve missed me!

The grief will inevitably come and go in waves, like it usually does.  As you may know, all too well, this whole grief thing is really unpredictable.  One of the hardest parts about it, is that there is no controlling it.  For those of us who are used to controlling just about everything in our lives, grief can really though you for a loop.  I acknowledge this is now a part of my life and I’m learning how to cope with it. 

Thanks to our memories, my blog, and all of your support, the memory of The Green Beans will live on forever.  They will always be perfect in our memories and in heaven.   I’m lucky to have them in my life.

I look forward to what God has planned for me.   I can’t wait for what’s next!

Heaven Day

*Sigh*


Here we go again; more Heaven Days… 


Last month we honored and celebrated Heidi on her 1st Heaven Day, and now it’s Lily, Paige, and Rylan’s special Heaven Day.


I think about heaven a lot.  It’s such a mystery, but I know it is indescribable and beyond amazing.  When things get really tough or I’m sad, I just try and remember that our time here on earth is actually really short, but we get to spend an eternity in heaven.  My children are there waiting for me, and we will all  be together one day and everything will be perfect!  

Even though one year ago today was the worst night of our lives, the scariest, and the saddest…  It was still beautiful and peaceful in a way.  We held each of our children, prayed with them, and watched their souls become angels. 

I’m surprised, but I am not sad today.  I’m OK with today.  I  want to make remembering my babies a happy thing.  Sure, I’m sad that I don’t have them here with me, but that is so beyond my control it is not even worth dwelling on.  We are celebrating The Green Beans today.  I am so honored that they are a part of my life and that they continue to touch so many of your lives.  That makes me so happy.

For Beans’ Heaven Day, I had this mahogany box engraved for them.  Tonight, we are going to put all of their ashes in their box and keep it on a shelf in our bedroom.  We are also going to spend the evening making the perfect cupcakes for them.

We love you and miss you dearly, Lily, Paige, and Rylan…

From A New Perspective

It recently dawned on me that our parents and family have suffered and grieved the loss of our Green Beans in a similar way that Josh and I have.  We didn’t just lose our children; my parents lost their grandbabies, my siblings lost their nieces and nephews, and so on...  Over the past year, I’ve been so consumed with our loss that I haven’t considered my family's feelings as much as I would have liked to.  Now that I am getting a (somewhat) clearer mind, I asked my parents to share their thoughts and feelings on the subject.  This is an important perspective that I think often gets ignored in all the chaos.  Beware – it’s a tear jerker (at least for me anyways).

My Daddy writes:

We thank God for Lauren, Josh, and their “Green Beans”. This past year has been a mixture of sadness and joy. The days of sorrow and crying have moved on to hours and then on to moments (though sometimes the hours return). By the grace of God we are now often filled with joy in knowing that Heidi, Lily, Paige and Rylan are walking with Jesus in Heaven. One day we will all meet in Heaven and get to know them better.

We are proud of Lauren and Josh. They worked relentlessly to save their babies. Many weeks were spent in the hospital and throughout Josh rarely left her side. We went to visit often and would spend a couple hours with them. Only once in a while would Josh take the opportunity to go check on things at home. He was never gone for long. He was with her day and night.

We saw Lauren suffer much physically lying in the head down – feet tilted up position. Her feet did not touch the ground for weeks. Eating and digesting was a struggle, but she persevered. She wanted these babies. The last few days were the worst. It was hard for us to watch the physical pain she endured especially from the Magnesium treatments. Even harder for us to see the emotional pain when she pPROM’d, hoping and hoping the babies would hold on. We had only been home a few hours when we got the call that the babies had come. When we arrived the babies were already still. We touched them as the nurses gently cleaned them and clothed them. Josh and Lauren had been able to hold them as they died in their arms, and were now exhausted and thoroughly drained. Soon after her release Lauren had to reenter the hospital. She was so ill and weak that we were facing the possibility of losing our sweet Lauren as well. After a couple days, thankfully, she began to recover and a few days later she was able to return home.

We thank God for all of you following their story on their website. Your prayers and comforting comments have been a help to Lauren and Josh and us also. It is wonderful to know that so many people care for them and their babies. We also pray that God will bless all of you especially those who have also suffered the loss of their babies.

We pray that God will bless Lauren and Josh with children again. We pray the Green Bean Angels will watch over them (Matthew 18:10b –“ For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”).

We are confident (John 6:23b – “the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord) that we will see them in heaven. What a grand reunion that will be!!

In God’s Love,

Gene and Fran

Heidi’s Heaven Day

Today is Heidi’s actual Heaven Day; the day that she went to go be with Jesus.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my sweet, little Heidi in some way. Heidi was only with us for 19 weeks, but she made a very big impact on our lives, and will never be forgotten.

Heidi is a very special girl and has not one, but TWO special days to remember her by. Her Heaven Day (today) and her actual Birthday Day (01/31/09).

Heidi,

Your Daddy and I are so proud of you. You were always meant to be an Angel. You did such a selfless and brave thing by leaving us to allow for your sisters and brother to have a better chance at life.

There hasn't been a day that goes by that I haven’t thought of you or were reminded of you in some way, Heidi. You made such a big impression on our lives in your short amount of time with us.

I have peace in knowing that you are a perfect Angel, and will always be. We will all be together again one day, and it will be perfect. In the meantime, I have a feeling that you’d prefer me to think of you and smile instead of being sad, so I try and do that as best as I can.

Today is your day Heidi. Your Daddy and I are thinking of you and missing you always…

Happy Heaven Day.

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;