Fifth Anniversary

As the Green Beans’ 5th anniversary quickly approaches, I am feeling good and happy!  I am looking forward to their day and to enjoy all the blessings I have with me today here on Earth.  I am so abundantly blessed and have living proof of so many answered prayers from God.  This year, the whole family is getting together to have a fun day at SeaWorld – Marc & Haden, and Josh and his gang.  I am happy to be sharing the memory of my Green Beans with Marc and Haden this year.  This is the first time that I have ever involved someone other than direct family on their day, so it feels good to be expanding and letting others in to know my Angels. 

It warms my heart to see Taylor beginning to understand that she has 4 siblings waiting for her in Heaven.  She knows their names now and knows that we are honoring and remembering them.  To keep true to our tradition, we will bring balloons to SeaWorld and release them up to the heavens.  Like we did on Heidi’s Day too…

 

I am so grateful that God has used my loss and grief to increase my faith and trust in Him.  The Green Beans’ Day is a happy day and a reminder of some of God’s great promises to us:

• He has promised to supply every need we have.  "But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus". Philippians 4:19
• God has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
• God has promised that all things work together for good to those who love and serve Him. Trust me, It may be difficult for us to see and understand how this is accomplished at times, but God has promised it. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Heidi’s Story

Today is Heidi’s 5th heavenly birthday.  So to commemorate her day, I thought I’d re-post her story…

July 27, 2009

I've been struggling with this post about Heidi a little because I didn't get a chance to "know" her like I did the other 3. I PPROM'd with Heidi at 17 weeks and then I had her at just 19 weeks gestation. 

What I do know about Heidi, is that she is a very special girl. She came into this world a few weeks before my other 3, and when this happened I was of course very sad to lose her, but I felt in a way that was meant to be. I felt at peace with it and trusted in God’s plan. She made the ultimate sacrifice to give her brother and sisters more room to continue to grow and be strong. It was a really courageous thing to do. After I lost Heidi I got a cerclage and then spent a few weeks at home on strict bed rest.  During those weeks, I was feeling really good and just focused on eating, sleeping, and doing everything I could to allow Lily, Paige, and Rylan to grow!  The weeks after I lost Heidi while I was still pregnant with the others, I felt like God had given us our own personal angel to watch over us. Heidi, you are our first angel and will always be remembered for what you did.

Heidi was first know as my little "Baby A", but she was named Heidi Michelle because of a couple reasons.  First is because of her demeanor; she was the first of the quads to be conceived, and was very active and determined.  It seems silly, but I even thought her profile shot at her 16 week ultrasound resembled me a little, so I felt that she was best suited to be named after me; so we passed my middle name on to her. “Heidi” was a name that I've just always loved. For years, I've talked about my girls, "Heidi and Paige" that I'd have one day. I just knew those would be their names. I always pictured Heidi having blonde, curly hair and big blue eyes. I knew that they would be my daughters one day, I just never imagined that they would be angels...

I never really saw Heidi, and the only picture I have of her is of her little tiny hands. Honestly, I was a little nervous of what a 19 week gestation baby would look like, but I imagine her being just as perfect and beautiful as the others. Heidi, you were always meant to be an angel. You did a wonderful thing by giving your siblings a better chance at life. You will never be forgotten. I am ever so grateful for the time I had with you.  I miss you more than words can say... And I look forward to the day when we all be reunited together in heaven.

 

Looking back after these 5 long and eventful years, I am at peace with this.  We’ll never know WHY or understand God’s reasoning for this, but I trust in his plan for my family and I.  His ways are not our ways.

“My plans aren’t your plans, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.  Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my plans than your plans.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Heidi was too perfect for this world and gets to spend eternity in heaven.  I am at peace knowing that Heidi is in Jesus’ arms. 

Read more about Heidi from the previous posts:

• Heidi’s Day 2012
• Heidi’s Day 2011
• Heidi’s Day 2010

How Awesome Is This?!

The Cochran Crew made my day! 

I got a text today from my Quad Momma friend, Sandra, saying that her kids released balloons up to heaven in honor of the Green Beans!  How special is that?!  That was SO thoughtful!  Thanks again for keeping the memory of my Beans alive, Cochran’s!!

  

4th Heavenly Birthday

The Green Beans’ 4th heavenly birthday is already upon us.  I’ve been dreading this day because I don’t feel like I have anything profound to say about them and nothing special planned to do on their day. For some reason I put this pressure on me to do something special, but I just can’t.  There’s not much to say anymore.  I remember them and honor them every day in some way, so with that, I know I am doing the best I can do.  I’m sure over the years, the pressure to have a special day planned will lessen and I won’t feel so obligated. 

I am so thankful to have my sweet Taylor by my side!  She helped me make cupcakes and sample frosting for her big sisters and brother.  We had such a fun time today listening to music, dancing in the kitchen, and decorating cupcakes.

I am so proud to be the mother to the Green Beans.  I am blessed to have them as a part of me.  They have changed me forever, for the better, and greatly impacted my faith and trust in Jesus!  I look forward to spending eternity with my big family in heaven one day!  They are a happy memory and I will remember and smile :)

Remembering My Green Beans & Jubilee Duggar

I don’t post about my Greenie Beanies much anymore. I guess I partly hold back because I don’t want to keep bringing them up without any new information to share. There’s only so much I can say. It keeps me from posting about them.

Well, I have two really amazing friends, and we ended up having a great conversation about them last night! It meant so much to me that they would bring it up and continue to ask me questions. Just like all Moms, we love to talk about their babies and that doesn’t change in my situation. I love to share about them, but I tend to shy away from it. They genuinely wanted to know more about each of my babies and I got to share how I knew each of them independently.

   Take a look back with me about my special posts I did about each of them in 2009….

Heidi’s Post

Lily’s Post

Paige’s Post

Rylan’s Post

We listened to the songs that remind me of them. “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz is one that always brings me back to that moment. It’s always a tear jerker. It was a really meaningful conversation that we had and I’ll never forget it. It sure was nice to talk about them again. It had been too long.

On another related note, did you see the Season Premier of 19 Kids and Counting? It was really moving. It’s about their most recent baby, Jubilee that they ended up losing at 17 weeks. It was a very emotional episode and they handled their grief so eloquently. As Michelle was still lying on the Ultrasound table, seconds after they learned that Jubilee’s heart was no longer beating, she says, “The Lord giveth and taketh away. Blessed be the Lord.” Job 1:21

They were very delicate with how they told their 19 other kids. There were a lot of tears. Michelle also shared with her kids ”Jubilee will never feel pain or sorrow. She is in a much better place than we are.“ Isn’t that so encouraging? I love knowing that about my four and I look forward to the day when my family is all reunited together in heaven. I also thought it was really special how they had a funeral service for Jubilee, then a family burial afterwards. It made me a little regretful that we didn’t do more of a formal service for the Green Beans when they died, but there’s no rule saying that I can’t do something for them at anytime really.

When things go well and you are blessed, you can feel Me smiling on you.  When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My Light is still shining upon you.  My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise.  - Jesus Calling, from the September 1st message

How We Remembered The Green Beans

 

This year, to do something special for the Green Beans, we took off for the afternoon and had a nice relaxing day at the beach.  It was nothing too special, but the point was to take a moment out of usual hustle and bustle of our lives and do something just for the Beans.  I want to make this a tradition, so Taylor grows up knowing that we do this sort of thing on her siblings’ Heaven Days.  It was a beautiful day on the water, and Taylor enjoyed playing in the sand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Story Continues

Three years ago today, I wrote ‘Not A Happy Ending’ to quickly record my raw feelings, what seems like just minutes after it all went down…  My mind was still heavily sedated and my body in complete shock.  My life came crashing down on me.  It seemed like the end.  I realize now with a much clearer state of mind that that night was not the ending, it was really just the beginning of how the story of the Green Beans will unfold.  As I sit here three years later, I can attest that the story of my Green Beans continues - and is and will become a happy ending.

No, I didn’t get the outcome that any of us wanted that night.  It’s hard to trust God or ever allow Him into your heart when my babies all still died as literally tens of thousands of people around the world were praying for us that night.  It’s really hard to comprehend.  It seems impossible to find the silver lining in the situation at the time. 

There were a couple of instances that week that I literally almost died - from a broken heart.  It is indescribable pain.  I questioned if it was also in God’s will to take me to be my babies’ mother in heaven.  I wanted to go; I didn’t want to face the world that existed outside of my hospital room.  I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t begin to start over again, or attempt to explain to an outsider what happened to me…

We are remembering and honoring all my beautiful angel babies today – Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan. 

 

Well, here I am three, very eventful, years later.  I survived and I thrived.  Life continued to throw its curve balls, but I am stronger and better thanks to my time with my Green Beans.  They changed me for the good, forever.  It isn’t an unhappy ending, in fact, as the story unfolds, it has become a beautiful story of faith, trust, love, and abundant blessings.  Its an inspiring story that will end with happily ever after…

During your short time with me, you changed me for the better - forever.  You inspired thousands.  You touched our hearts, and your impact on this Earth will not be forgotten.  You inspire me to be my best.  I like to think that you four are Taylor’s personal angels who look after her.  I want to make you proud and I have a feeling that I do :)  I can’t wait for the day when we are all reunited in heaven together as one big happy, complete family. 

Until then, we remember you and smile.

I realize now just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.  And oh, how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so.

Sunset on the Beach

Yesterday evening, I rushed to pick up Taylor from school and headed to the beach in time to watch the sunset.  We had a beautiful evening at the beach remembering my first born and her big sis, Heidi.  The weather couldn’t of been more perfect and calm; you’d never know it was January!   We wrote Heidi’s name in the sand, and Taylor even helped!

It sure is a blessing to celebrate the Green Beans with Taylor in my arms!  She is my reminder everyday that God is good!  I couldn’t be happier with this beautiful, perfect baby girl!  There is so much to be thankful for!  I like to think Heidi is looking down on us, along with her sisters and brother and smiling.  Taylor sure is a lucky girl to have four personal angels watching over her.

I think we’ll take evening trips to the beach more often.  It was a great way to wind down from a busy day, plus Taylor got to nap to and from the beach in the car.  Next time, I’ll plan a little better and bring a change of clothes for myself, so I don’t have to sport my suit and heels in the sand…. Not recommended! :)

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Heidi’s Day

Please join me in remembering my sweet baby girl, Heidi, today on her 3rd Heaven Day…
I am at a loss of words today, so I thought I’d just reflect back on what I’ve written about Heidi in the past:

All About Heidi Michelle

Heidi’s Day… 2010

Heidi’s Day…2011

Remembering My Green Beans

And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me
And oh, how he loves us so, 
how he loves us so…

                                                                   -How He Loves Lyrics

I can’t believe its been two years already since I held my babies.  Today I am celebrating the birth of my Green Beans, Lily, Paige, and Rylan (along with their sister, Heidi).  Sure, its a sad story with a very unfortunate ending to have lost our children prematurely, but I am so grateful that they are a part of my life.  I am able to recognize what a true blessing they are, now that the pain and sadness has faded some.  I am honored to be their mother.  They inspire me to be a better person and to help others.  I thank God for them. 
I never imagined things turning out this way when we first decided to start having children. Not having my babies will always hurt, but I am beginning to see the good that has come from all of this.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life. 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

                                                                         - Matthew 5:4

 

Remembering my Green Beans and smiling…

Heidi

Today is Heidi’s 2nd Heaven Day. 
Heidi passed away 3 days before I actually delivered her, so today is her official Heaven Day and January 31st is her birthday.  We associate the 31st more with Heidi’s day, as two years today, is not really a day I like to remember.
Two years ago today, and the day that I delivered my other 3, were the worst days of my life.  It was so scary and the hardest thing that I’ve ever endured.  Since it’s all still so hard for me to comprehend, I prefer to just focus on remembering and honoring her on her birthday.
I actually associate Heidi’s birthday with hope and new beginnings.  Since we lost her 3 days prior to her delivery, we had some time to come to accept the fact that she was gone.  When I delivered her, it was more of a positive thing.  My body instantly felt relief and my preterm labor signs seemed to have disappeared.  We believed that Lily, Paige, and Rylan now had a better chance at life.  My body seemed to recover from the stress of losing her and I was able to bounce back and do what I needed to do to help my remaining 3 thrive.  Heidi became our family’s personal angel to look over us.
I don’t even know if any of that makes sense.  Like I said, my feelings on this are really complicated.  Two years have passed and my thoughts are not any clearer than the day it happened.

As the years pass from the time we met each of our Green Beans, things do get a little easier.  The pain of losing them lessens a little.  The whole event starts to feel like an out of body experience.  New hope and happiness has come into our lives and I feel that I have made strides in my healing and grief. 
On the other hand, things can seem harder also.  As each year passes, I feel more and more distant from Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan.  It doesn’t even seem like it was me that it happened too.  It doesn’t seem possible that I once held their lifeless bodies in my arms.  My memory of meeting them fades and It’s all so surreal. 

I still don’t know what we will do this year to honor Heidi, Lily, Paige, and Rylan on their second birthdays.  We may stick to making cupcakes for them again like we did last year, or we may come up with something different. 

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry"

The Cure – Treasure

(Not that I will EVER forget, but I feel like Heidi would have wanted us to remember her and smile…)

Preemie Awareness

November 17th is Prematurity Awareness Day.

Some of my blogger buddies and hundreds of others and the March of Dimes are all participating in this blog to help raise preemie awareness.  It’s so very important that we prevent babies from being born prematurely and sick. 

I hope and pray to God that I never have to step foot in a NICU again or worry about prematurity. 

Surrender

I started writing this post weeks ago.  I do that a lot actually; I’ll have a fragmented thought, so I quickly type it out, and then it sits.  Sometimes I eventually complete the thought and post it.  Other times they just sit in my draft folder.

I already had part of this post written, but I didn’t really know where I was going with it, so I didn’t finish it; until last Sunday.  The message at church solidified my thoughts on this post and gave me more clarification.  It was definitely God communicating with me through the church message.

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I’m taking back the control of my life.

No longer am I going to let my fertility, or lack thereof, dictate my happiness in life.  I’ve got to set this aside and live my life.  Clearly God’s plan for me right now is not to have a child, so I’ve got to take a step back and let it go.  I still believe that it WILL happen for us eventually, now (I guess) is  just not the time.  I feel like I should be focusing on other things in my life and not constantly thinking about it, worrying about it, hoping for it….  I need to focus on the life I have and all the blessings in my life; not dwell on the one thing I don’t have.

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Last Sunday, I was reminded that happiness is related to God – the true joy.  God is the source of joy and the key to true joy is to surrender what’s weighing on you.  This theory can apply to all situations - It may not be your desire to have a baby, but it could be something else, or habit that you need to surrender.  Surrender what you are trying to control and give it to God.  It’s much easier said than done, but surrendering at least part of it for now is a good start in the right direction.

This was a pretty big deal for me to hear at church because of its timing.  To have a portion of this post just sitting there, half written, and then to hear that the key to happiness and joy is to surrender, made it that much clearer to me that I do need to give this up.

I can’t control my life.  Josh and I learned that the hard way as I laid in my hospital bed and we were unable to save our babies.  Therefore, I have nothing to lose by surrendering this (or at least doing my best to try too). 

 

Philippians 4 4:5  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

 

Special Delivery

Look at what I got in the mail today?!? 

My sweet friend, Sandra, sent this to me totally out of the blue!  I was so surprised when I opened the box.  I just can’t get over her thoughtfulness.  If you don’t already know Sandra, she is a very busy mom of 5 (4 of which are 2 year old quadruplets)!!  “Busy” is probably an understatement.  I just can’t get over the fact that despite all she’s got going on in her life, she did this for me!  Wow.

Sandra, thank you so much for helping the memory of my Green Beans live on.  That’s all I could ever ask for.  Getting this just made my day! :)

I’ve been given a few pieces of jewelry now that are in honor of the Green Beans, and it’s so great to always have the option to wear something that reminds me of them at all times. 

 

On a completely different note, I made a new blog signature.  The 4 stars at the end symbolize Rylan (blue), Heidi (purple), Paige (yellow), and Lily (pink).  You like it? :)

 

How Does This Happen?

One day, everything is great.  Its our first pregnancy, we are expecting quads.  I’m feeling great and we are making plans for our family…
Growing by the week…
We’re getting weekly updates on the babies, and things are going well…
There’s Lily all happy in utero…

And, Paige looking very cute…

And, Rylan growing up to be our big boy…

And then this?

Why does this happen?  How come that’s the end to my story? 
I guess I’ll never get it.